[00:00:00] You are listening to Episode 267 of the Peaceful Mind Podcast.
Welcome to the Peaceful Mind Podcast, a place for creating the peace of mind you need to be the best mom you were created by God to be. If you want to bring more balance, more joy, and more peace to your motherhood, this is the place for you. I'm your host, Certified Life Coach at Catholic Mom, Danielle Thienel.
In the name of the Father, of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit, let's get started.
Welcome back to the podcast. I'm your host, Danielle. I'm so glad you are here. I want to let you know that a lot of people, when they come to me, one of the challenges or one of the goals they have is that they say that they want to be more present with their children. And just in general, I think we all just want to be more present with our life like we just have this innate like just kind of feeling that this would you know, make things better for us.
And I want to offer [00:01:00] today that a big part of that, a big part of being present is to have the skill of being a good listener. I want you to become a better listener because I truly believe that it will make you a more connected mom. And I believe that it will bring you more peace in your life if you have the skill of being a good listener.
So I want to explore this topic that I believe will have potential impact, profound impact on your relationships, especially the relationships that we have and you will have as you journey through motherhood, it really is an art, the art of listening and truly listening and being present. With others because you are listening it like they go hand in hand, right?
If you're listening, then you are in the present moment. It brings on that you be also become a person who has empathy and understanding for [00:02:00] others. When we listen, this is definitely an impact that. That is it's the fruit of being a good listener, and I really do think that this presence, this empathy, this understanding, truly listening is one of the greatest gifts we can offer to, to others, to our loved ones, but in the midst of busy mom life, right, it is a skill that will get pushed to the back burner, and so I want to uncover to you today what it really means to be a good listener.
I also want to talk about the benefits that it will bring to you if, should you choose to grow in this skill and the benefits that it will bring to those around you. And as always, I'm hoping to bring you, to have you thinking about this subject and if you decide to adopt it, if you think it's something that you want to focus on.
Then I'm going to provide some strategies that will help cultivate your listening skills. So get ready, get ready to become a more [00:03:00] present, a more patient, a more supportive mom through the power of listening. Okay, where I want to start is to just talk about what makes a good listener. So what exactly does it mean to be a good listener?
And it goes just beyond hearing the words someone is saying. This is what I believe a good listener entails. A good listener gives their full attention, which means minimizing distractions as well as making eye contact. A good listener shows genuine interest through body language. and facial expressions.
A good listener avoids interrupting or rushing to give advice. A good listener asks clarifying questions so that you can better understand what the person is talking about. A good listener validates the other person's feelings and perspective. And [00:04:00] a good listener maintains confidentiality. And creates a safe space for sharing if that is part of that interaction that you're having with this relationship.
So I want you to imagine this. I want you to imagine that your child comes home from school. They, they come in, they kind of maybe stomp through, throw their backpack on the floor, flop on the couch. They have a heavy sigh. And we see this and instead of immediately like launching into questions about homework or chores, if you are building the skill or someone who is already a good listener, you want your reaction to be that you sit down next to them and say something like, it seems like you had a tough day.
I'm here to listen. If you want to share what's on your mind, it's then you will, you will see this is an opportunity that to give them your full attention, and this is where you would want to build in some of those [00:05:00] qualities of a good listener, which again means maintaining eye contact, showing through your body language that you're really fully present.
As they're sharing about their day, you resist the urge to jump in with advice. Instead, you ask questions that will reveal to them what are their thoughts and feelings and what happened, the circumstances of their day. And this will help you better understand their perspective. And then in your mind, you're reflecting back on what you're hearing, which then may drive you to then validate their feelings with statements like, that must have been really tough, or that must have been really frustrating.
Or maybe it's something like, yeah, I can understand why you would feel that way. And when you embody these qualities in your listening, in your active listening to them. You communicate to your child or your spouse or, or whoever you're listening to. [00:06:00] It says to them that they matter, that their thoughts and feelings are important to you.
And it really is a profound way to strengthen your connection, to deepen your connection in your relationships. And it will make your loved ones feel seen and supported. And so there are truly benefits to you when you become a good listener, it will positively impact your own life and relationships when you really tune in and listen.
So I spoke about why, you know, they feel supported, they feel seen. But let's talk about when you are a good listener to someone else, what happens to you? You gain a deep understanding of your loved one's needs, challenges, and dreams. You build trust, you strengthen your bond, you model, and this one I think is one that you all, again, hear again and again how you want to be a good example for your kids.
Well, you will then model healthy communication skills for your children [00:07:00] to emulate. I was just talking with a client today about, You know, when we say one things to our kids and then we do the opposite, right, how this is immediately like discounted in their life and that it, we want to show our Children.
We don't just want to tell them what they should do or what they should be. We want to show them. So we want to model healthy communication skills for our children. So it's totally a benefit for you to become a good listener. Also, you will diffuse some tense situations, right? You'll prevent misunderstandings a lot of times when you're a good listener.
I think you will expand your own perspective, and as I mentioned before, what you won't just be giving it to them, but you're going to be developing empathy. Right? For yourself. And overall, again, with relationships, when you become a good listener, you will feel more connected and less alone in your own struggles.
So I, I remember a time when my [00:08:00] teenage daughter was going through a particular well, when my daughter was a teenager and she was going through a particular challenging friendship situation. She came to me in tears. You know, she felt, I know she had, you know, mixed feelings there, including alone, or felt like a little bit like she was, I don't know, wronged maybe?
The initial instinct for me, which I know it is for a lot of you, is literally to jump in with advice to fix it, or we'll discount it, right? Like, oh, don't worry about it, or don't let it upset you, right? We want to try and like kind of discount, but, but this is where I, I pause and I realize that it's way more important for me to not talk, but for me to be an active listener so that I can.
See what's really going on. And again, especially [00:09:00] that questioning part. So I can really hear what her thoughts, her feelings are about the situation and and other gain more facts about actually what took place. So for know, a few minutes, I gave her my full attention as she revealed those things to me.
And I asked questions. This is a little secret weapon that goes together in learning and being more present and being a better listener and being more present for your children and really being One that helps your children grow in their own kind of emotional well being journey, and that is to ask questions, right?
Go mining for what's going on inside of them and give them, again, a comfortable situation for them to reveal that to you. And so I even helped her process her own feelings. I acknowledge everything. I agreed. Yeah, I would, I'd feel kind of wronged in that situation too. Or I said, like, I get it. Or this seems [00:10:00] like really normal.
I really resisted the urge to say anything negative about her friend or even tell her what to do. I wanted her own wisdom right to kind of bubble up. And by the end of our conversation, I really could visibly see The relief and comfort in her face and kind of like her, her body almost kind of dropping, relaxing from this like tense situation.
You know, they don't say, she didn't say to me, Oh, mom, I feel so heard or thanks for supporting me or you really validated, you know, my feelings. But I know by being a good listener. That is actually what the fruits are. I, I can take a really good guess that she felt heard. She felt validated and she felt supported.
And this is what I have control over and what I, that's the type of mom I want to be. And I also checked off the [00:11:00] box that I was present with her and that I was a good listener, right? And this interaction with each other, it did, it did. Especially, well, this is where relationships take, relationships take place.
And I strengthened our bond, right? That is a thought I had. This was really a connecting moment for us. And I do feel like I was instrumental in helping equip her to get her own clarity and to kind of have her mind come up with her own next best steps, like she had a little bit of a confidence so that she can navigate the situation like according to her own terms.
Instead of what I thought she should do, it was really a powerful reminder of the impact of true attentive listening. Okay, now on the flip side, let's all think about a time when someone gave you your full, gave their full attention and they listened to you. How did that make you feel? Did you feel valued and validated and understood?[00:12:00]
Did it feel like it was a real gift? Like that they gave their time to choose to be with you and to hear you out? Is there some, is there a time when that happened and, and you were just like, thank you, thank you so much for listening? And you found that you felt better just by talking it out and having someone who just didn't offer, you know, anything, but just understood.
I, I want you to see that this is, you become a good listener. It, it also, how much it will benefit to you if you are around people who also have this skill. And let's talk about the pitfalls of poor listening. Right? So let's talk about if we are someone who, if we think right now we're not really a good listener and that they're why we might want to step into this skill and build it more.
And, you know, there's the human moments we have where it's just, you know, we're just not going to do it. We're just not going to listen really well and [00:13:00] sometimes I want to say even like half listening sometimes can still have its benefits. Yeah, we all we all just have our struggles to listen well sometimes and it's helpful to be aware of what poor listening then what the repercussions are of it so that.
Hopefully, so that then you can catch yourself more. And then if you want to, you can course correct. So here are some signs that you might not be listening well. Let's say you're distracted by your phone. You're distracted by a to do list. You're distracted by your thoughts when you then know like this is a time you could be listening.
Are you an interrupter? Do do is somebody talking and. Like, you, you have so many thoughts going that maybe don't even have to do with what they have to say, that you just have to stop them mid sentence and interrupt. You just jump in, right? And then when you jump in, you are talking about, like, your own stories and your own opinions.
[00:14:00] Do you rush to give advice or fix the problem? Do you, when they're talking, do you like, Oh, I know, I know exactly what she should do or he should do. And you want to hurry up and get it out. You minimize maybe or dismiss their other, their feelings. Again, I gave you that example of my daughter where you don't want to say something like oh, don't worry about it, or like they don't know what they're talking about, or don't cry, or don't, you don't need to feel that way or you shouldn't feel that way.
Those, that's kind of the language behind if you minimize or dismiss the other person's feelings. And then if you listen to respond rather than to understand, right now, as I'm saying these things, I have someone very close to me that I would, I have the opinion of that they are not a very good listener, okay?
I can tell, I can tell that they want me to hurry up and finish what I'm saying because they have something that they're like busting at the mouth to like get out. [00:15:00] They're often kind of like looking around or doing some other things like, you know, as I'm, as I'm talking, it's not that we're sitting down and, you know, looking at each other kind of face to face, but it's, it's also, it's the interruption, it's the interruption, I think that when I'm thinking about this person where I, But They just speak when I'm not done yet.
And even one time I did bring this up and say something and the, the answer I got was, but I have to tell you before I forget. If I don't tell you now, I'll forget. And I want to say that. I'm more, I'm less apt to want to hang out with this person that I'm thinking about because of this reason. And then at the same time, it brings into mind somebody else that I'm close with that is, I would say, is an excellent listener.
And [00:16:00] this is somebody who I, I do crave to be around. And probably because it is always it never things never want to be around about them. Like they're always like deflecting it because they genuinely make me feel that that they truly care like they want to know. Tell me what's going on. What is happening with this and legitimately make me feel that they're interested.
And then they allow me to say it. Until I'm done. And I, and I admit, I fall into the traps of the pitfalls of poor listening for sure. I'm more recognizing that this is happening. And yeah, just the other day, I can tell you an example where my son was trying to tell me something about a school he's applying for the, for colleges and there was, you know, something going on here and it, there was something else that I wanted to do and finish. I think it was around work here [00:17:00] and I just was like really making dismissive comments like look, that's just how it goes or you know, well, that now is not the time you should like we should have taken care of this ahead of time.
And I was just it was just kind of really short. And I was really offering kind of shallow suggestions to what without really kind of understanding the whole full story and his perspective, and I could totally see him shutting down right. He disengaged. You could kind of tell in his his body language, right?
And it totally hit me in that moment. I'm like, Oh, yeah. I'm totally letting distractions and my own kind of agenda right now get in the way of truly listening to my child. And, and I have a mission right now at this year, at this place of life where he is, where he'll be going off to college next year, like where I was going to, I'm making my time and attention and things really kind of re-proritizing him in my time that I get to spend [00:18:00] with him because probably next year at this time, when he's gone, I'll be like, I would do anything to like, as soon as he calls, I'll want to listen to everything that he has to say.
Or if he wasn't calling or asking me questions, I would be wishing that he was right. So, look, being a good listener, it's a practice I'm continually working on. I do catch myself in those moments, and I want to, as I as I kind of evaluate the, the two friends that two people that are close to me that I kind of just spoke about in their listening, I want to recommit myself to being more of a good listener and being more fully present.
So, I know that when we fall into these poor listening traps, we, we do miss opportunities for connection and understanding. And, it can lead to our loved ones having thoughts that make them feel unheard or unimportant, but the good news is that simply me bringing awareness to myself, [00:19:00] awareness to you today, to these patterns, that it is the first step and shifting them.
Okay. So I am going to just go over again, just to recap, because I want to end on how to be a good listener. Okay. And so here we are again, good listeners they give their full attention, minimize distractions and make eye contact. Good listeners show genuine interest through body language and facial expressions.
Good listeners avoid interrupting or rushing to give advice. Good listeners ask clarifying questions in order to better understand. Good listeners, validate the other person's feelings and perspective and good listeners, maintain confidentiality and create a safe, safe space for sharing.
And so in closing, as I end this episode this week, I want you to know that becoming a good listener is an ongoing practice, right? We need [00:20:00] life to present ourselves with situations to be able to show up as a good listener, which I think it will present us with many right and it really is just about showing up with intention to be fully present and receptive And I as as all things like we don't have to change everything that we've been doing.
We can start small, right? Maybe you put away a distraction during a conversation. Maybe you ask more questions. I love that one. I'm going to really emphasize that one for you. It is a game changer. Maybe we're going to validate feelings more. Not dismiss them. Maybe we're going to notice how our relationships in our own sense of peace and connection shift when other people listen to us.
It really will be something that will bring more peace and joy to your life, mamas. Okay, that's what I have for you this week. Sweet friends. I hope that this episode inspired you right to embrace being more present and cultivate your listening skills. So, until next time, [00:21:00] remember, when you choose to listen and create a space for true connection, it's a beautiful gift to give to your loved ones and to give to yourself. And I know you've got this, mamas. Alright everyone, until next week, may peace be with you always.
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You'll find all the details in the show notes too. Until next time, peace be with you always.
