[00:00:00] You are listening to Episode 261 of the Peaceful Mind Podcast.
Welcome to the Peaceful Mind Podcast, a place for creating the peace of mind you need to be the best mom you were created by God to be. If you want to bring more balance, more joy, and more peace to your motherhood, This is the place for you. I'm your host, Certified Life Coach and Catholic Mom, Danielle Thienel.
In the name of the Father, of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit, let's get started. Well, hello there. I'm Danielle. I'm your host, and I'm so glad you're here. Where are we? We are in mid February, we're almost there. So how are you? What is going on with you? Are we to a point where we're kind of running out of steam with our New Year's resolutions?[00:01:00]
If you feel like discouraged at this point, don't worry, you're not alone. But then also I want to remind you, there is always an answer, right? Maybe you don't need to go it alone. Maybe there's a different type of help. And if it's something that has to do with, you think might be your relationships, your emotional well being, time, money, your physical health, spiritual wealth, your, your career slash business.
These are the areas as a life coach that I help mamas, faith filled mamas. So let me know if I can be of any help. What you just have to do is you have to show up on my schedule by signing up for a Back to Balance call. That's it. If something's off, if we're off balance, if we're not really sure we want to get back on track to, you know, to say the least, then that is what will happen on this call.
Today we are going to be talking about something that I hope you bookmark [00:02:00] actually. I hope you save this episode. I hope you share it. I hope you write down in your note section what number it was, because I want all of you to stop being so hard on yourself. I see this. I see this time and time and time and time again.
And I just want your life to be lighter, a little bit more free. And this nothing else has to change in your circumstance for this to happen. I'm so glad you're joining me today so that we can talk about how to stop being so hard on yourself. It will really change everything. Listen, we're all flawed human beings.
Right, and we make mistakes, we mess up, we don't know how to do things. We don't know how to do things until we do, until we decide to figure them out. And when that happens, we, we kind of mess up along the way. Being hard on yourself is going to keep [00:03:00] you from that quicker rebound. To get you back feeling better and getting the results you want.
So whether you are folding laundry right now, driving in carpool, maybe you're just stealing a few quiet moments for yourself, I am grateful you're here. Because you know, in my years of coaching moms, there is one pattern I see over and over. And that is that we can be incredibly hard on ourselves. You know, I've raised my hand here too.
I'm, I find myself being hard on myself and I am, what I'm going to talk about and teach you today, I need to be reminded and to refocus on myself. You're not alone in this. So let's talk about first why that happens, why we are hard on yourself. What does it look like? And most [00:04:00] importantly, how can we develop a gentler relationship with yourself?
In my Cyclone Mom method, the process that I use, also the title of my foundational book, if you haven't grabbed a copy, do that, right? Do that. It will be such a gift to yourself. But the third step of the Cyclone Mom method, in order to become a mom who really calls on your God given gift to help you remain calm in control and confident as a busy mom, you want to be able to have this.
gentler relationship with yourself. Okay, let's start. Let's start by acknowledging some common moments when we all tend to be our harshest critics. So I want you to picture this. It's bedtime. You're mentally replaying your day. Maybe you snapped at your kids in the morning because everybody was running late.
Maybe [00:05:00] you forgot about the school bake sale and didn't realize it. Right? Until the last minute you had to rush to the store for store bought cookies. Maybe you're looking at the dishes still in the sink. The unfolded laundry on the couch. And that email you still haven't responded to. Right? Just think about a time when you have caught yourself being overly aggressive.
Self critical. Can you bring that to mind right now? Here's some examples. Here's some examples of when we often quote beat ourselves up this internal, right? Beating up this self criticism. We do this when we compare our like behind the scenes of our life to everybody else's kind of online highlight reel.
We do this when we make a mistake at work or we forget something important. We do this when we don't meet [00:06:00] our own impossibly high standards that we set. We are overly critical when our house isn't as organized as we think it should be. We're overly critical when we serve chicken nuggets instead of a home cooked meal, when we lose patience with our children, when we don't bounce back from pregnancy as quickly as we'd like to, when we can't seem to balance everything perfectly, we're self critical when we need to ask for help.
When we take time for ourselves and feel guilty about it. That is also when we're overly critical. This inner dialogue during these type of moments, this is what it sounds like. These are the thoughts that come up. I should be doing better. What's wrong with me? Other moms seem to handle this so easily.
I'm not cut out for this. I'm failing at [00:07:00] everything. I'll never get it right. I'm not enough, but here's what I want you to know. This harsh inner critic isn't serving you or your family and your goals and what you want for your life. Let's let's talk about how moms who do already have a healthier relationship with themselves, how they think about these same situations.
This is what, what their inner dialogue sounds like. When they make a mistake, instead of harsh judgment, they think, I'm human, and humans make mistakes. They might also ask themselves, what can I learn from this? They're thinking, this moment doesn't define me. Or, I'm still a good mom, even when I have bad moments.
[00:08:00] Tomorrow I'll try something new or tomorrow's a fresh start. How about I'm doing the best I can with what I have right now. So those moms, they've learned to treat themselves with the same compassion that they'd offer a dear friend. Yeah, at this point, I always, when, when I offer this, like, piece of advice to think about the same thing you would say to a friend, it always reminds me to plug my episode that is called Best Friend vs. Bully Brain. And so I want to link that in the show notes as well.
And it's kind of talking about, imagine if your best friend came to you and shared she had a rough day with her kids. Would you berate her and tell her she should be doing better? Of course not. You'd likely offer understanding and support.
And you'd remind her that she's doing [00:09:00] a great job despite the challenges. So why is it so hard for us to offer ourselves that same grace? And I'll, and I'll tell you why. And. And this is why we, it's so hard for us and we, we can't offer that grace to ourself in that moment. It's because we've internalized these unrealistic expectations from society and social media.
In these moments, you are forgetting that you are a child of God. You're forgetting and not thinking about the compassionate words that Christ might say to you in these moments. A lot of us are definitely carrying around perfectionist tendencies from, from our own upbringing, yes, but something, ways that we operate around perfectionism that we have just [00:10:00] made a habit for ourselves.
We mistakenly believe. That being hard on ourselves is positive motivation, right? I'm working with a group right now where we're focused on our physical health and raising our satisfaction here and our data points here. And we've, we've talked about this, right? It's like, so funny to believe that we can be mean to our bodies and that's going to help motivate us to like get to the gym.
But what you're not seeing is that being hard on yourself, it actually, it, demotivates you. Is demotivate a word? Am I making that up right now? Okay. It's also why it's so hard for us to offer ourself the same grace we would give to a best friend is because we compare our worst moments to other people's best moments.
And I was just talking with one of my one on one clients today about [00:11:00] how I. When I look at social media now, when I look at what's going on in other people's lives, or I'm, you know, get to see you know, pictures or somewhat, there are lots of things that I admire, or, you know, decide maybe it's a goal or strive to, a lot of house pictures that I'm looking at lately, but when it comes to other people's moments, I definitely bring my mind to, they are also human, which means they are living a 50 50 life, just like I am 50 percent positive, 50 percent negative, has troubles, challenges, also has great things that are going on.
And so no matter what we quote, see, that is still the ultimate truth. So that is a reason why, though, we're so hard on ourselves, is we compare our worst moments to other people's best moments. And then we forget that making mistakes is a natural [00:12:00] part of growth. When we think about. a child learning to walk?
Like, do we, is there any criticism when they fall down? When like, they're wobbly? Are we like, when they fall down, are we like, oh my gosh, you're not walking yet. That's so terrible. You're so behind. You're such a failure. No. Like, it's how they, how you grow the muscles to order support. A child walking is they have to use them and try things and they fall down and they have to get up again.
And so we forget that making mistakes is that part of our growth and we're all going to always be after growth. It's just part of that human experience. So at this point, let me share some practical strategies that will help you become more gentle with [00:13:00] yourself. That is really what I hope you get out of this episode today.
Number one, I want to offer you the pause practice is what I'm just naming it here. I have actually, don't know if I've ever called it that before. The pause practice. This is when you notice you're being self critical, and that is always the first step in any change we want. We have to first stop and notice, right, that pause.
Without the pause, without the awareness, we can't take the next steps to change. So this is when you want to take a deep breath and you want to ask yourself, would I say this to my best friend, to my daughter? Is this something Jesus would be saying to me? If not, then choose a kinder thought.
Then, next, a strategy is to reframe. Instead of the I should, you then [00:14:00] try I choose to, or I get to. Instead of I failed, you reframe it to I'm learning. Instead of I'm not enough, you try I'm growing and doing my best at the moment. And then another strategy is to notice. And celebrate your wins. This is one of the major tools in my mom toolbox that I offer my clients.
And it is such a game changer, right? What if you kept a wins journal where you write down your daily successes, no matter how small. When that inner critic pipes up, you'll have evidence of your capabilities. You could go read it. Someone told me about this and I might not have it in a journal, but I do have emails that are saved in a folder.
And I also have, you can see them all over my website and in all the different [00:15:00] places where I've collected testimonials of, from clients. And a lot of what you see in the testimonials are just like just one sentence or two because I'm trying to fit it on a post or something like that, but I actually have sometimes the page, sometimes half a page, sometimes a few paragraphs of what my clients have told me about deciding to coach with me about their successes, about where they were and what's changed and everything like that.
And, and again, and I get emails, I get emails from some of you beautiful people listening to this podcast who write in and tell me what a certain episode, how it helped you and, you know, thank you for, for me putting it out there and things like that. And I, and I save them so that when I use this strategy.
When I'm hard on myself and when it, when it comes to, I guess the work I'm doing, there are times my [00:16:00] mind thinks, Oh, I shouldn't have done that or that isn't, wasn't very good or that certain person you know, doesn't like it or it's just maybe sometimes I have that thought like, okay, I'm, I'm going to quit.
This is too hard. Right? Then I get to use that strategy of going over to read the words that people said. And I remind myself the, of the service that I'm doing and the benefit that it is giving people. It's a win. Right? All the wins. And so that is something I'd like to offer you. Are you, are you focusing enough?
Do you have a place where you can remind yourself of all the amazing things you are doing? Because I know that list would be so long, but your brain is only looking. at whatever that is at the moment that you're criticizing yourself on. Okay. Another shift [00:17:00] is just to remember that our children aren't looking for a perfect mom.
They need a real mom who models self compassion and resilience to themselves because then they will emulate it and you're giving them permission that that's to do it for themselves. We are, we become examples. Right? And if you're being perfect all the time and you don't make mistakes, right, then they're going to think that they have to too.
And I know I've heard my children come bring this back from their, you know, schooling. It's really that growth mindset. You guys, we all have challenges. God told us that we would have a troubled world. We want to meet those. We want to take our mindset and realize that those challenges are [00:18:00] opportunities for growth rather than a collection of evidence of racking up failures in our life.
So just to kind of recap those strategies. It's called the pause practice, where you just find yourself being self critical, and then you pause, you ask yourself that question, what would my best friend say? You kind of make a reframe in the way that you're thinking, the I should to, do I choose to, I failed, you turn that into I'm learning.
You keep a wins journal. You remember. That your children, you are an example to your children and they need to see that we make mistakes and we're not perfect. And then we want to take our mind to meet challenges as opportunities. That's what being gentler with yourself would look like [00:19:00] in your everyday situations.
And when you do lose your patience, which we will. That could be one of the examples of when you're really hard on yourself. You would say something like, I'm learning to manage my emotions better. This moment doesn't erase all the loving moments we've shared. If the, the thing you're hard on yourself is maybe your house is mess.
You can reframe it to, I've, I have a lived in home. It's a sign of a family living their life together. The messes can wait, but the moments together can't? What about when you serve just like a simple dinner? You can say, I'm nourishing my family and making time for what matters most. Notice it wasn't that criticism of exactly what that food was.
And when you need to rest, [00:20:00] this is one I want to highlight. If you're hard on yourself when you're someone who is taking rest or decides to do something that is fulfilling to you, I want you to know and say to yourself that taking care of yourself enables you to better care for those that you love. So remember, my dear listeners, God's grace is abundant.
Yet, we often struggle to extend that same grace to ourselves. But being gentler with yourself, it's not about lowering your standards. It is literally about acknowledging your humanity and then treating that humanity, treating yourself with the dignity you deserve as a beloved child of God. And I'll even just, you just add on to a beloved child of God who isn't perfect, who makes mistakes.
[00:21:00] I want to challenge you this week. I want you to notice and bring awareness to your self talk. When you catch that inner critic getting loud, pause, ask yourself, how would I encourage a friend in this situation? Then I want you to offer yourself that same compassion. And if you're, if you find out that it's just too difficult on your own to shift these patterns, if this is something you've been battling a long time, Or even just something you were unaware of, but now it's in your awareness.
No, you don't have to figure it out alone. This is exactly the kind of transformation that we work on in my coaching program. And I invite you to schedule a free call with me. And to learn more about how you can lessen this inner critic. But I hope what I've offered you [00:22:00] today gives you something to think about, gives you some peace of mind and some just practical things to put into practice.
Into to start implementing into your life today. Okay? That's what I have for you. Here's a reminder that you are doing holy work, mama. As a mother, you're raising beautiful souls. You're managing households, you're juggling countless responsibilities. You deserve the same grace and kindness you so freely give to others.
So until next week, may you be gentle with yourself. May peace be with you always. And I'll be back with you again next week. Thank you so much for tuning in to today's episode of the peaceful mind podcast. If you found value in today's episode, I'd be so grateful if you could subscribe and leave a review.
It not only supports the podcast, but ensures you don't miss out on future episodes packed with insights and tools. to create [00:23:00] peace of mind in your busy mom life. And if you're of the Catholic faith like me, or any Christian mom seeking to feel better in any area of your life, and to show up more calm, connected, and confident, I can help.
Become an empowered mom who knows how to bring about the changes you desire, no matter the circumstances. Whether you need one on one guidance to get there, prefer a group coaching program with like minded women, or a self study course. I've got you covered explore my private one on one packages, join my Busy to Balanced group life coaching program, or delve into my signature course, Divine Time to find out which path is right for you.
Let's meet and see what's the best fit schedule. A free call with me at daniellethienel.com, or send me a direct message on Facebook or Instagram @daniellethienelcoaching. And also don't forget to get your copy of my book, The Cyclone Mom Method: [00:24:00] How to Call on Your God-Given Power to Remain Calm, In Control, and Confident as a Busy Mom. .
Dive into the digital and bonus audio version. When you go to book.daniellethienel.com/new-book you'll find all the details in the show notes too, until next time, peace be with you always.
