[00:00:00] You are listening to Episode 258 of the Peaceful Mind Podcast.
Welcome to the Peaceful Mind Podcast, a place for creating the peace of mind you need to be the best mom you were created by God to be. If you want to bring more balance, more joy, and more peace to your motherhood, this is the place for you. I'm your host, certified life coach and Catholic mom, Danielle Thienel.
In the name of the Father, of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit, let's get started. Welcome to Episode 258 of the Peaceful Mind Podcast. Today, we're going to talk about one of the most challenging parts of motherhood, and that is helping our children navigate life's difficulties. Recently with my clients, I found myself them bringing to me some kind of questions around like, well, When this happens with my child, what's the best thing to do?
How can I help them? I don't feel like I know how to [00:01:00] help them. And so that's kind of where this episode was born out of. I want to be able to realize that first, you know, our hearts break when our kids face tough situations, but I also want to reiterate to you and help you have more peace of mind around the fact that this is true for all human beings.
And it is so natural for us mamas to have this innate thing to care for them, to make sure they're all right. And we have this desire for them to feel good and to have good experiences. But I want you to open up to know that none of us are exempt from tough situations and difficulties and challenges in this life.
And that also, it's part of us growing and becoming who we are and how we navigate them teaches us things. And so I just want to empower you moms today [00:02:00] with a little bit more of When this happens, and it will, and they are struggling, that these are three things that I could call upon that will most likely lead me to the situation where I say, I supported them in this moment to help them navigate this challenging situation.
Because whether it's a preschooler who is devastated about a broken toy, a third grader dealing with friendship drama, or even a teenager who's facing rejection, we want to fix everything. But what our children often need isn't for us to do. to solve their problems. They need us to just help them learn to navigate, cope with it.
A little bit less of these sharp kind of dramatic ups and [00:03:00] downs and more of help them process through their emotions more on a kind of wavy hill sort of trajectory. So today I want to share with you three powerful steps that can help your children handle life's challenges.
And with, with everything it is focused on you, the mom, and what you can do and how you're thinking and feeling about these situations and some actionable steps because that is your greatest influence. Whether your child feels quote better about the situation will be, will come from their own thinking, but these three steps are what I believe is, can be the most helpful When we are trying to help our children you know, just grow with their emotional intelligence and overall be more resilient.
And these steps work [00:04:00] whether your child is four or 14 or even 24 and beyond. So let's just dive right in and walk through each step and see how they work in these kind of made examples of different situations. So when your child brings you a situation that they are struggling with.
Maybe you don't, you learn about it, not even directly from them, or they've come right home from school, and they are upset, and the very first thing we can do is we can ask them to tell us about it. We can say, tell me, tell me what happened. And in this instance, I want you to know that what you are really wanting to learn is is their interpretation, their thoughts, and their feelings about the situation.
This is what you're trying to go mine for when [00:05:00] you ask them, okay, tell me about it. And in this first I'm kind of opening you up to give them a chance to get it all out before we go into fixing mode. Now, when they're telling you what happened, there might be some some kind of like build of emotion within you.
So for example, if they were like, so and so said this to me, and let's say it's something mean or rude, and just by you hearing the words that their person at school said to them, it's going to have your brain thinking that this is like an emergency and it's going to have you just kind of maybe start to get worried or start to get mad or start to get angry.
But I'm just suggesting and inviting you that in this step one, if you want to help your child navigate through difficult situations, hear them out, say, tell me more, or what did you mean [00:06:00] by, and what you're doing is you're trying to get and hear what their thoughts and feelings of the situation are.
This may seem like simple. Oh, I just have to let them talk. I have to listen and I have to look for or ask them even. Oh, you know, well, what did you think about that when they said that or what did you think about it when they took your backpack and hid it or whatever the, the thing is. And maybe you say, Oh, how did you feel when you learned that so and so did X, Y, and Z?
Right? I know I'm a little vague because I don't want you to concentrate on the, you know, all the different situations. I want you to concentrate on in general, helping our children. It is to ask them so that they tell you the situation, they tell you their thoughts, their feelings, and by saying, tell me [00:07:00] or tell me more, or can you elaborate on that?
You really want them to just be able to get it all out, right? This is simple, but it's crucial. Instead of that jumping in, interrupting, wanting to fix things, or saying, like, you know, don't cry, you want, what we're doing in this step, step one is you're creating a space for their thoughts and emotions to be let out.
Sometimes that's all they need. Sometimes they, they just want to speak it. They just want to Again, get it out, and that in itself will be helpful. So let's say for, if we're talking about a young child, four year old, let's say they're upset. Maybe their sister scribbled on their drawing that they were working on.
And we might say, Oh, I see you're upset. Tell me what happened. Let [00:08:00] them get it all out. And when they tell you all about it, you then say, Oh, well, how, like, tell me what you're feeling right now. And it's sometimes depending on the child, you might think like, they're not going to be able to know their feelings, but maybe they won't even tell you their feelings.
When you ask them that question, they'll just tell you more about it. That's okay. It's literally you doing the question asking instead of the telling or jumping right into You don't need to be upset about this or don't worry. I'm I'm gonna go and then you go after the sister or something like that, right?
Again, just being there and prompting them with questions or showing that you're listening. Maybe rubbing their back as they're, as they're talking and again, like you're nodding your head and you're showing them. They can see your face has like, you know, this genuine concern about what they're thinking and feeling just this [00:09:00] in itself Is just creating that beautiful space for them to let it out So maybe a nine year nine year old wasn't invited to a classmates party and then you can say this sounds really hard.
Like, what exactly happened? You see how you're prompting that. You have a 15 year old who didn't make the basketball team. You just want to say, hey, I'm here to listen. How are you feeling about what happened? What do you think about it all? Okay, so that's just step one. Step two, to bring some calm to your child and to really help them just be whatever difficulty that's coming their way, to be able to handle it and A little bit more calmly.
We now want to acknowledge in our words that how they're feeling makes sense. In this step, we are also showing them that it's whatever they're thinking and feeling about the situation is [00:10:00] okay. And the reason why we want to take that on and know and provide for them that it's okay is because it is.
Whatever thoughts or feelings that we have, this is just how it makes us human and And it's the opposite, the opposite would be discounting what they're thinking and feeling. And this will have our children retreating from us or have them questioning themselves whether they're right or wrong. We all as humans, we get to feel what we feel and we get to think what we, what we think.
Because this is that God given ability that, that he gave us with our brains. And so when you lean into not fixing, not changing, but really just saying, I get it, right? I, I understand why you would think and feel this way. This makes sense that you're upset. If I find, found myself in this [00:11:00] situation, I would feel the same. You're empowering your child to know that you're validating that it's okay that whatever they're thinking and feeling is okay. So, again, validating their emotions. First you're allowing space for their thoughts and their emotions. Now you're validating their thinking and their emotions.
And this will help them feel understood. Because there are no thoughts or feelings that are right or wrong, there's just the ones we're having, including your children's. So for the four year old, you could say something like, Yeah, you're feeling angry because your drawing was special to you. It makes total sense to feel mad when someone damages something you worked hard on.
You're just validating them in that situation. For the nine year old example, it would be like, yeah, feeling left out really hurts. It's completely normal to feel sad and maybe a little angry when you're not included. I would [00:12:00] definitely feel the same way you are if I found myself in that situation. Again, validating their emotions.
For the 15 year old, you might say, I understand why you're disappointed. You practiced so hard. And it's normal to feel frustrated and upset when things don't work out the way you had hoped for. Acknowledgement, saying it makes sense, saying it's normal, validating. This is crucial to help our children navigate difficult situations.
Step three. Ask them what support they would like from you. As parents, again, we go into fixing mode, we jump in, we want to take actions. We think we know what's best. We have lots of ideas because we are seasoned, right? We have wisdom. And we want to impart it on them and really what we're doing is we're trying to make their path as easy as possible by giving us, you know, their what we think is the right thing to do.
But I want you [00:13:00] to ask them what they would like from you, because then this will empower our children to help themselves develop problem solving skills. And your ideas might not be the best or work out. Or you just, again, you want to find out what they think would make them feel better. Because we might launch into this big plan.
Right, when all they might tell us is I just like a hug and then if we hadn't have asked them what they really need, we might actually make it more complicated or offer not helpful information because we're thinking about what we know what would help them. So maybe they say they just want us to help them come up with a couple ideas on how to solve it.
Sometimes just us listening is enough. Sometimes they will come up with something that you wouldn't even think of. Something, some, [00:14:00] most of the time it's more easy and simple. And the only way we can find out is if we ask what they need. So maybe in the four year old you might ask them something specific like, would you like a hug?
Or you say, is there something you'd like me to do with you or what would you like, what would you like to see happen? That's always a question to kind of like navigate what support they need. But really depending on, you know, the child, it can literally be, how can I support you? What would help you feel better?
Would you like to talk more about it? What do you think would help? Is there anything more you want me to do? What do you think would be more most helpful? So again, it's, it's you not jumping right into what you think will work, but you're taking time to kind of mine and understand what's going on on the inside of your child.
And by asking questions, [00:15:00] that's how we better and help, you know, support them. Okay. So, just as a, as a recap, the steps, you know, which might feel awkward at first, right? It's gonna be new, but the more you practice them, they, they do become more natural and, and especially when you see how it will help so much, and it just empowers your child so much, then you're gonna want to practice this way more and more.
So, to help our children navigate challenging situations to help them feel more calm about their situations, you first want to identify and have them identify and express their emotions. And we do this by step one, which is to ask them, right? To tell you. the details, tell you about it, ask them how they're thinking and feeling about them.
And this, again, [00:16:00] is going to create that space. The second step is to help them feel understood and that they're, that it makes sense and that you're okay, this, that it's okay that they're feeling this way. This is, step two is this is acknowledging those feelings that they have told you about. And we want to help them develop their own problem solving skills, and we do this with step three, where we ask them what they would like us to do to support them, or what can we do to help you feel better?
What would you like to see happen? And By doing these three things, you're, you're going to help them become more resilient to handle future challenges, because when you're not around, they might do these things themselves. They might be able to express what [00:17:00] happened. They might be able to give themselves.
They might be able to tell themselves this is normal and they might reach out for help more because this is what you have modeled for them that that helps and that works for them. And I most importantly, I want to point out one thing when, when we help our children in this way, it helps maintain our connection with them during difficult moments.
They learn that they can come to us with problems. Big or small, and they learn that their feelings matter and they learn that we listen and that we understand and that we care how they want to be supported, which maintains connection. When we jump into, you shouldn't feel this way, don't cry. I'm going to call the school.
They shouldn't have done that. When you jump into this is what I [00:18:00] think you should do or talk about like, this is what I, this is best or you need to do this. And it's more of the whole telling situation that's, it really does bring disconnects us. from the goal we're trying to get with our children.
And I want you to see that this approach mirrors how our Lord relates to us. Right? Like he is there, like he. He's like, I, I picture him as like waiting for us to come to him when we're troubled with something. Right? And then when we do, he listens and he also understands our struggles and provides comfort and guidance that is allowing us to grow through our challenges.
And definitely if we find out that our children are going through any kind of hardship, I'm always going to [00:19:00] say that more peace of mind is to ask God for his help on how you show up for your child in this situation. Help him bring his higher thoughts to you. Help him help you know how to best support them.
And maybe, just maybe you will see that I hope that if you are struggling or didn't know this way, that you will be see that hearing what you did on the podcast today, you could say that is an answer to your prayer. Right? And I hope I've delivered it in a way that can show you like three simple ways to try out.
And that's all. The next time you're met with seeing your kids go through a challenge, which it could be right after you listen to this, right? It could be in the next hour, it could be next week, and it will happen, right? As parents, this, we are brought this. So I hope that these three steps of helping your kids open up [00:20:00] to you, helping like create that space for their emotions and helping validate these emotions and asking them the support they need.
I hope that you find that these steps give you more peace of mind in your motherhood and more empowerment for yourself and for your child. All right, everyone. Thank you so much for joining me. Please, if you haven't already, go to my website, take a look at all that is going on in 2025 and if you want my support and work with a life coach to help you get your goals this year, to help you become more confident, to help you show up as the mom you want to be, to help navigate your time management, definitely come explore it with me.
I love to meet my listeners out there and we will make a plan and help you have progress towards the results you are hoping for in your life. But [00:21:00] I hope that this podcast was helpful. And if so, let me know, reach out. And again, I will see you next week and until then may peace be with you always. Thank you so much for tuning in to today's episode of the Peaceful Mind Podcast.
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