[00:00:00] You are listening to Episode 253 of the Peaceful Mind Podcast.
Welcome to the Peaceful Mind Podcast, a place for creating the peace of mind you need to be the best mom you were created by God to be. If you want to bring more balance, more joy, and more peace to your motherhood, This is the place for you. I'm your host, Certified Life Coach and Catholic Mom, Danielle Thienel
in the name of the Father, of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit, let's get started. Everyone before we get started on today's episode, I just want to let you know that today's episode is the is going to focus on your emotional wellbeing.
You are wanting to focus on your physical well being, please visit daniellethienel.com/health to find out more about my upcoming program 10% Healthier. This 10 week coaching program is going to be starting soon. And so I just wanted to pop in here at the beginning to give you a reminder [00:01:00] that if physical well being is going to be one of your focuses this next year, then you will not want to miss this opportunity.
And now we're doing a switch on the focus of the emotional well being. And I hope this is an episode that for those of you who have lost somebody, that it resonates and helps you in some way. So let's get right to it. Hello everyone. And welcome back to the podcast. You know, I think I'm ready for this one.
It is just shy of a year when this podcast goes out that would mark the year anniversary of the passing of my dad. But really I'm in this strong place today, that as I think about what I would want to say, that if somebody else who was grieving might get, you know, some help or insight about what I have to share, I think that again, up until now, I don't know if I've had the time or experience enough to come up with these lessons, but I think [00:02:00] I know enough today.
that what I share here may be helpful to someone. So I'm ready. I'm ready to talk about something that is deeply personal and something I know many of us face in different ways throughout our lives. And that's grief. This emotion of grief. This year, I lost my dad the very beginning of the year. And he was in someone who I was incredibly close to.
So my father had an amazing long life. He was 86 years old when he's passed. So I have a lot of peace around that. But just to let you know that he also, for the most of my life, there's only been a few years when I didn't live in proximity, very close proximity to my dad. So obviously the whole time when I was growing up before I left for college and then the college years I sprinkled coming, you know, home on summer breaks and breaks during the [00:03:00] year.
And then I did go off on my own for several years. But when I was first establishing myself in a city long term, my parents ended up moving close to me. And for many years, they were only like a 20 minute drive. But then in the last six years of my dad's life, he literally lived across the street from me.
So, I have had a lot of my daily life and experience with my dad, and so we were incredibly close. And like I said, it wasn't my first experience with losing someone close to me. If you've been listening to the podcast, you know, I've also lost my very dear friend and best friend Jill, who was like, we grew up from like age three, knowing each other.
But I wanted to share the lessons that I'm learning. I'm saying that in like a present tense because I'm not done with this grief journey. I know for sure. [00:04:00] And, but I have learned some things along this path and I hope that it will bring someone who's listening comfort or understanding or even like a sense of community for anyone else navigating group grief that you're not alone.
So here is the brief, but hopefully powerful part of my journey that I want to, like, share with you today. And the first thing is. That grief is like the ocean tides. What we often imagine grief is, is something that we like move from, from start to finish. Like, okay, person we love passes. This is the start of my grieving.
And then I'm going to one day, I'm going to reach the finish line. But instead what I've learned is it's definitely like, I don't see a finish line in that. I think that it's always just going to show up like a line. The ocean tides mean meaning that they like a grief comes in, and then it recedes, it [00:05:00] rises, and then it falls.
Sometimes it's gentle waves, and sometimes it is crashing over you when you least expect it. Some days, I feel now here like almost 12 months in some days, I feel like I can breathe and I do smile with memories. And then sometimes out of nowhere a memory, a moment I will see something of his, I will sort of have like a taste or a smell that takes it back.
And it just feels so raw that he's not here anymore. This knowing that grief isn't a straight line, this way, when it does hit me, it's a high tide. It's a crashing wave, or I'm just in it. It's just, again, like it's a rising tide of the ocean. And it's like, okay, grief is here.
I don't have to be surprised [00:06:00] by it. I don't have to think that something's wrong, that it's here, no matter how much time goes by. It's just, this is what I'm taking on. I think from now until I pass myself. I think when I think about my dad, when I know he's not here anymore. I'm just going to think, you know what this is. It's going to be like ocean waves. Grief comes in waves. It's not a straight line. It's not linear. And you might feel like you're moving forward at one moment and then you'll be swept back into another way of viewing it. And I just want to share this because I've learned that you just letting those waves come, it actually is a part of honoring the relationship we had.
I was at mass this weekend, and it was in honor of those that passed, and they even had us light some candles, and they have signs up on people we've lost in our parish, and I could see my dad's [00:07:00] name up there. And it hit me hard. I had to get the tissues, which also I was kind of glad because it reminded me my dad, he carried a handkerchief around wherever he goes.
And I don't know how many times in my life he's had to offer it to me. And now because of this wave of grief that came over to me during that mass, I'm like, you know what? I am going to carry one of his handkerchiefs with me all the time now and have it in my purse ready. And I was like, that's such an awesome way to me and my heart to honor him.
So that's the first lesson about it coming in waves. The second lesson for me is that what I've learned is I have a unique path of healing. I like this knowing that somebody else's path is going to look different, but I didn't really know how I was going to navigate it.
And then I made some choices this year. And now I'm looking back and I'm like, Oh, that was my path that [00:08:00] helped. So, for example, Every kind of major day of this year with the exception of Thanksgiving and Christmas because to be honest with you, when I'm recording this podcast, I haven't Thanksgiving and Christmas of this year that he's gone aren't here yet.
And so, yeah, I actually haven't experienced those holidays without him yet, so I don't know, maybe there's a part two coming to this episode. But one of the path one part of my path this year that helped me move through grief was I actually removed myself from being home and in those same situations to celebrate those major holidays when he wasn't here.
Because he's not here. I don't know if I explained that right. So let me just give you an example. So for my own wedding anniversary, where my parents would always sort of make a big deal for myself and my husband, we went away for our anniversary. During [00:09:00] Father's Day this year, that is when we had planned our big family vacation.
So I was not even in the country during Father's Day this year. Well, I will say his birthday. We did honor it by going out and having a beautiful dinner at one of the restaurants and having a meal like my dad likes. And so I guess I didn't go away for that.
By the time his birthday came. I was, I think I was ready to do that. I was ready to do that. So I guess my point is to say that your journey might look like you have a lot of crying. It might look like you have a lot of quiet reflection. It might look like you do a lot of talking or celebrating or doing the same things you used to do with this person.
It might be processing through a sense of numbness that you have. It might be throwing a party in honor of this person's in front of who you lost. I know somebody who [00:10:00] was grieving a baby this year and they, they wrote a book about it. Like it's just so beautiful when I think about it. So my point in the lesson that I've learned is that there is no right way to grieve.
There's no wrong way to grieve. There's just your own unique path and you can either plan and decide like I did ahead of time that I didn't want to be home on certain. Days that would really connect or remind me of him. Or again, there's just some things you might want to do is face it head on and celebrate it in a way that feels good to you as well.
Celebrate their life in the time you did have. I know that I do sometimes like to sit with my phone and just look at all the pictures, you know. That's what I do. I love that there's a way that you can take a face of someone and then just find all the pictures of them like it pulls up and you just want to relive it and smile and laugh and cry and just kind of be with it.
And then there are some days when I do want to put [00:11:00] myself into situations where I block it out. And again, the whole point here is to say that you have a unique path. Of healing, and it may not look like someone else's, or it's just yours to decide what it's going to look like as well.
Okay, along this journey of this past year of kind of experiencing grief with the loss of my dad, I came to the conclusion that joy is a great sign. There are some people who might feel like a sting. Like I shouldn't be happy. I'm not supposed to be happy, but it is okay to not let what could be a heavy, really sad kind of maybe devastating for some people if is unexpected, right? Kind of time for me. And not allow yourself to be happy or to feel joy again, because grief can feel like a weight.
And then sometimes we might have [00:12:00] thoughts that create us feeling guilty. If we're enjoying our life, or we're smiling again, or we're quote, moving on. But the truth is that we all live in this 50 50 world, right? Where there is room for both sadness and joy. And moving forward doesn't mean we're leaving our loved ones behind.
Rather, we're honoring their memory by embracing the life we still have. I had so many high points to my life this year. So many joys. Oh, by the way, that reminds me that I did on purpose remove myself at my birthday because my birthday was a huge milestone this year. And I remember telling my dad, I just want you to make it to that birthday.
And he actually didn't make it. So I had a trip planned during that time so I wouldn't be home and in that same environment. Anyways, that takes me back to that. Just to add that to that second lesson that I learned there. But there is room when we're [00:13:00] happy. Nothing's gone wrong here. We are still living this life, and I'm happy thinking that my dad is in heaven now and that he's watching over me.
And I know that God wants us to find our joy again, just like our loved one who passed wants us to go on with life and to, and to joy. We're not helping anyone else by, choosing to be sad all the time. And though I miss my dad dearly, I hold on, knowing, that one day we're going to be reunited.
And in the meantime, I want to allow myself to enjoy all the little things and all the big things that life is providing me right now, trusting that he'd want me to live fully, even as I carry him in my heart every day. So that third lesson is that I think joy is a great sign.
It's a great sign of processing and moving through and letting the grief be lighter, not heavier. [00:14:00] Because again, I know it's going to come in waves and there will be days that it will feel heavy and that's okay, too. And then finally, grief asks for gentleness, right? I think that when we feel this emotion of grief. It asks us to show up more gentle for ourselves and for others.
So sometimes we try to push through thinking we should be stronger or we should be over it by now. But grief isn't something we get over. It's just something we learn to carry in a lighter way. It's so important to be compassionate with ourselves. In fact, this is a running theme. I think if most of my episodes, if you want more peace of mind, it's going to entail being compassionate with ourselves.
We want to allow ourselves to rest. We want to allow ourselves to have time. We want to remember also that we don't have to do this alone. So whether It's family, friends, therapist, [00:15:00] a life coach. There are others who have been through this. And I've even like simple conversations that I've had with people, people that I don't even know very well, right?
Those that have come up like offered me like, you know, their sympathies. They understand, a lot of them, that their stories too, they have been incredibly healing. And if you feel like it's time where you are, if you are grieving something, to reach out for help. I really want to encourage you. I want to have you lean on somebody else's strength or to hear their comforting words and know that it's way more than okay.
It could be necessary for you to move through grief if that's what you want, or if you feel like you're having a hard time with it. So what I have learned from this past year after losing a parent, these kind of lessons to help navigate me with this new kind of emotion that has filled [00:16:00] my life at times this past year.
It is that grief is like the ocean tides, that I have a unique path of healing, that joy is a great sign, and that support is super. That is what I have concluded and has what has been my experience. And as always, I'm hoping that even some listener out there with this episode, it brings a little more peace of mind to your life, whatever you're going through.
So I hope these reflections, they offer a little light on your own path, wherever you are in your journey, with grief, and remember, you're never alone. Grief may actually shape us. It actually does shape us, but it doesn't have to define you. I want you to allow yourself to feel everything about it, the sorrow, the joy, and all that lies in between.
And I thank you for listening with me today. And [00:17:00] perhaps if you're not going through grief, but you know of someone else who is and you want to pass this along to them, I'd be forever grateful and I think that maybe they would too. And I just want to honor the love we all have for those who have passed on and for those who we dearly miss every day.
All right, everyone, take care. And until next time, keep finding peace in each moment of this beautiful, amazing and messy life that we all have. All right. Until next week, may peace be with you always. Thank you so much for tuning in to today's episode of the Peaceful Mind Podcast. If you found value in today's episode, I'd be so grateful if you could subscribe and leave a review.
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[00:19:00] Dive into the digital and bonus audio version when you go to book. daniellethienel.com/new-book, you'll find all the details in the show notes too, until next time, peace be with you.
