Danielle Thienel: [00:00:00] You are listening to episode 247 of the Peaceful Mind Podcast.
Welcome to the Peaceful Mind Podcast, a place for creating the peace of mind you need to be the best mom you were created by God to be. If you want to bring more balance, more joy, and more peace to your motherhood, this is the place for you. I'm your host, certified life coach and Catholic Mom, Danielle Thienel.
In the name of the Father, of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit, let's get started. Welcome back to the podcast, another episode of the Peaceful Mind Podcast. I'm your host, Danielle, and today we're going to talk about the topic that resonates I know deeply with so many of us and that is people pleasing.
So as Catholic moms, Christian moms, faith focused moms, we often find ourselves caught between our desire to serve others and our need for personal peace and authenticity. And today I want to explore how people [00:01:00] pleasing might be holding you back because the subject has come up this week with several of my clients. A little shout out to Mary. I actually had a session with her today and we talked about this exact subject and I told her that I was going to be recording this episode later today and already been kind of fielding this from some members in my group to that I'm like, okay, this deserves a focused episode.
Because what I know is that if you are people pleasing one, you're disconnecting from your true self. And you're holding yourself back from experiencing the true peace and productivity and carrying out living in alignment with your values if you are people pleasing.
So I hope that you can maybe find a quiet corner. Or you will be tackling folding that laundry, or maybe this will be a combination in your [00:02:00] walk today, whatever you are doing while you're listening. I'm so glad you're here and I'm so glad that we're on this journey of having a more peaceful mind. So we'll have a more peaceful life and we're doing it together.
When it comes to people pleasing, I want to start with understanding how it shows up in our daily life. People pleasing, it can like sneak into our lives in subtle ways. It often disguises itself as kindness and selflessness, but there is a fine line between genuine service and compromising our own needs and values.
And this is where I hope the episode has you kind of stopping and evaluating your life and seeing like the activities that are going on and the ones that you may now be able to look at in a way that kind of defines it as being genuine service, or is it something that is compromising your [00:03:00] own needs and values?
So let's look at some common scenarios so we can kind of get the brain juices flowing where people pleasing might be showing up in your life. So have you ever been in a situation like this? Your child's teacher asks for volunteers for the upcoming school event. And even though your schedule is already packed, you find yourself raising your hand thinking, I should be more involved.
How about a friend invites you out to a girl's night out and despite desperately having wanted and needing some quiet time at home or to finish that project that you've been wanting to do and putting off. And you say yes, because you don't want to disappoint her. This is what kind of came up with one of my clients too, when a friend who they love hanging out with, always ask them to do to go out and to do certain things together. And because [00:04:00] she doesn't want to disappoint her friend, she said yes. But as you'll see later, this saying yes, so many times had her seeing all the things that she had wanted to accomplish or do not getting done and then resentment started coming in.
What about during a family dinner? Maybe your in laws make a comment about your parenting style that you disagree with, but you, you stay silent to avoid potential conflict. And I get where this might happen. I get what kind of thoughts would be in your mind, Mama, that would keep you from doing this.
But what I'm doing is I'm just trying to potentially point out to see that. When we people please, what essentially we're doing when each of these, like saying yes to being asked to be a volunteer at school, saying yes to the girls night out or saying yes to that's okay for them to make a comment about your parenting style.
My hope today is that you have [00:05:00] a different perspective that when you're saying yes, but inside, inside your, your heart, your body, like it, it's telling you, No, I really don't want to do that, or I don't really like this, or I don't want to exchange my time for this or something then I want you to start to be on yourself that this is what people pleasing is.
It is a little, it is essentially lying when we say yes, but we're really meaning no. And when we see it that way that is when we can get ourselves in trouble as far as not getting results and hitting the goals that we want in our life, or just not at all like having the experience we like. It most likely will bring on more negative emotion.
And here we're trying to help ourselves move forward. Towards more peace, more balance, more joy, more confidence, [00:06:00] more in control, more calm. And when we people please, this action actually takes us away from moving towards those type of experiences. So if any of the scenarios sound familiar, first of all, you're not alone, right?
You're not alone because we are met with these challenges too of deciphering what it is that we want to say yes to or not to all of us are . And so it's going to continue to be a challenge, right? Especially if you've built up where somebody expects you to say yes.
So this brings me up to one of my clients in our group recently. In her line of work, she is kind of like the sub, right? So part of her job is to fill in when people need to be gone or take vacation or something like that. But she found herself saying yes to every single time they needed someone to fill in. And so we saw this as people pleasing [00:07:00] because she didn't want to disappoint when no one was telling her that she had to say yes every time and she has her own kind of line of when it's enough for her or when she's fulfilling, you know, the requirements of her job description.
But she was seeing that she was saying yes all the time. And she really wanted to say no because of certain reasons of the time she wanted to spend at home during the week and the things and the goals she wanted for her kids and for her mom life. So when she noticed this first, we're like, yeah, makes sense.
It makes sense that you want to be helpful and looked at for stepping up in the job. However, those people on the other end they are going to learn because we're teaching them that we do say yes every time. So they are going to come back and ask her every time. We don't want to put any blame on them for [00:08:00] asking because they're like, Oh, she does a great job and she says yes and is always available.
So that's why they would come back and ask again. But if you wanted, if you've recognized that you want to say no then it is up to you to make those decisions to take hold and make sure you're not people pleasing, but you're living more authentically. So it's important to recognize that people pleasing isn't just about doing things you don't want to do.
But sometimes it's about not speaking up for the things that you do want. That also plays a role. It's allowing others or circumstances to run our lives when we people please, instead of taking the reins ourselves. So as we are talking through this topic I want you, to reflect on the areas in your life where you might be falling into this, I guess, people pleasing trap.
Like everything, it's usually just a habit, one that we just don't have enough [00:09:00] awareness about. And remember, awareness is the first step towards positive change. And that is why I'm so glad that if you're struggling or label yourself as a people pleaser or you're kind of evaluating that you might be doing this, then I'm so glad you're here and I'm so glad you're listening.
And the next kind of point I want to bring around people pleasing where first is just kind of understanding what it is and where it might be showing up in our lives. I want to talk about how there is a murky line, like murky waters between when you are people pleasing and when you are in service.
There's a huge difference. Cause I know a lot of you might say like, Oh, I can't always just be like, saying no to everything and only going to do with what I want. No, I want you to be able to be in service. And so you understanding when you're in people pleasing versus service is so instrumental to [00:10:00] lessening your people pleasing tendencies.
So you might be thinking like I just said, but Danielle, we're all called to serve others as Catholic moms, Christian moms. Right? Isn't putting others needs before our own of virtue. And you've heard me talk on this podcast before about divine order. And yes, you're absolutely right. Serving others is a beautiful aspect of our faith.
It's what we are called to do. However, like I mentioned, I want you to start to see that there's a crucial distinction between genuine service and the harmful effects of when you are in people pleasing, the key difference lies in the motivation behind your actions and how either the action of what you're taking, how is that impacting on your wellbeing
When we are serving from a place of [00:11:00] love and authenticity or we're feeling from a place where we're onto ourselves that we're choosing to do this harder thing or this service for somebody else, another human and we're like not mad about giving up our time and attention to it. Like we're onto ourselves. Yep. I'm choosing to do this and I, I literally don't have to. That's when this service place will feel, fill our cup and not deplete us, right?
But people pleasing on the other hand, it often comes from a place of fear, maybe fear of what other people will think or say it'll come from this need for approval. If you're someone who seeks approval outside, and it comes from you believing that you have this power to impact and change or avoid people feeling bad, [00:12:00] which when we say no to things that we genuinely don't want to, the reason why people don't is because they're afraid of like disappointing people or people getting mad or people judging them.
And this is where I want to say that you want to see the, the person on the other end of what you're thinking is going to cause their disappointment is really false because it is their own thoughts about it that will actually be the reason why they're disappointed. So again, that's how we can differentiate this murky water of service versus people pleasing is for you to know what's driving the feeling behind it. And people pleasing will be from fear. Mostly fear of what other people think.
But there are two key aspects to now consider, and that is one, are we trying to manipulate what others think about us? This is for sure, if your answer is [00:13:00] yes, then you're in people pleasing. Are you attempting to control how others will feel about a certain situation? If you say no, then you are in people pleasing, but true service comes from a place of thinking about who we want to be in the world and how we're going to contribute positively to this situation.
And it's about aligning our actions with our own values and our beliefs. And it is coming from the mindset that you are owning, that you're choosing to do this activity. And it's coming from your own free will choice to do it. Nobody's making you and people pleasing. However, it's more about avoiding the discomfort that you think will come if you do say no to something.
And it's also like I mentioned, seeking validation. So have you ever found yourself in a situation like this? [00:14:00] You're asked to take a leadership position, and not because you feel called to do so, but let's say you're afraid of disappointing others. If you decline, maybe you're thinking I should do this or I haven't said yes enough or they're going to think I'm not part of the team if I don't say yes.
But what's the result? You actually end up feeling resentful, probably overwhelmed, right? Because you've probably taken on something and disconnected from that very kind of community or team or whatever that you're trying to serve, or you think ultimately why you're saying yes to help.
And so, because what's going on inside your mind sometimes when you're somewhere where you said yes to, but you really don't want to be there or you wish that you had said no, or you're thinking about all the things that could have been done. And so your mind is not where it's not in the service part. And so you're definitely not showing up as your best self for whatever it is that you've said yes to.
So I just want you to [00:15:00] see that while people pleasing, it does seem like it's harmless on the surface. It can be like a slow acting poison in your relationships, both with others and especially with yourself. Because when we say yes to things that we truly desire to say no to, when we are in people pleasing mode, it creates a disconnect between our true selves. And the image that we're projecting to the world for what we're doing in that people pleasing activity.
And there are for sure hidden costs to you that you might not be aware of that I want to bring to your attention today when you people please. So we identified what people pleasing looks like, and now you want to see the impact on your own life.
The costs of continuing to people please can be significant and it can be far reaching that's what I just want to kind of have you contemplate today [00:16:00] and that is relationship erosion. Okay. This is the hidden costs. When we consistently put other's needs before our own, we may start to feel resentful and frustrated and when we feel those resentfulness, frustration towards others, this can lead to a disconnection in our relationships and we do this probably most likely with the ones we love the most.
The cost of people pleasing is also we lose authenticity. Brene Brown, I'm going to quote her here. She's the one who brought up that, that emotion and feeling of authenticity and she wisely puts it this way. You cannot have intimacy without authenticity. So when we're constantly trying to please others, we lose touch with our true selves.
People pleasing leads to burnout and exhaustion. Constantly saying yes and taking on more than we can handle leads to physical and emotional exhaustion. And I'm going to add in mental exhaustion there. That's a given for sure. [00:17:00] Okay. So here we want more peace of mind, mamas. And then burnout and exhaustion coming from physical, mental, and emotional exhaustion, people pleasing falls in there.
And last, I just want to bring up maybe the spiritual disconnect, okay? Because ironically, I get it. I get that we are attempting to be good Christians by always helping others, saying yes to things, pleasing others. In that we can lose sight again of our personal relationship with ourselves with God, with our unique calling, with what will make us what we deem a more present, calm mom, one that's more on top of things.
We can disconnect when we're not when we're not again, authentically showing up in a way it is, it'll disconnect us spiritually, right? Have you ever experienced a time when you were so [00:18:00] focused on being the perfect mom? Always volunteering, never saying no, taking on kids, having every activity, being the one who drives deciding that the birthday party has to have, you know, made from scratch, this and that.
That you so many things that you neglected your own wellbeing. Maybe you were doing all the right things, but maybe you're still feeling empty inside. Maybe you're feel still feeling discouraged them not hitting your goals, right? It's so interesting. We want to have good time management. We want to be on top of things and we want to have a schedule that allows us to do some of the things we want and self care and me time.
We keep saying yes, yes, yes, yes. To all the things, especially ones connected to, we don't disappoint people. Do you see the irony there? So it's, it's crucial to recognize that you do have hidden costs that we're hurting ourselves and potentially depriving others of this [00:19:00] level of you that is not fully being tapped into because it's so tapped out with people pleasing.
So here, what's some strategies, right? We want to break free from people pleasing. Well, first it's needed to understand what actually people pleasing is. The impact of it. And so here's a few suggestions on how you can lessen it.
Number one, I want you to reconnect with your needs and desires. Okay, take the time to pause. I do this with all my clients. It's essential. You moms do not do it enough. You don't take time to ask yourself, what do I want? What do I truly want? What do I think I need right now that would just help me feel better? Put the focus back on yourself and your relationship with you and that will help you understand and know what your kind of like anchor points [00:20:00] are which will make when somebody asks you to say yes or no. It'll make you feel a little bit more grounded, right?
Two, I want you to practice self compassion. Boy, does that come up with, in a lot of these ways for us moms have more peace of mind, practicing self compassion comes up again and again. And I don't mind saying it again and again until you make that something that is on the regular for you. Recognize that it's okay to have needs and to prioritize you and your wellbeing.
It's okay. It's actually better than okay. It's not selfish. It's necessary for sustainable service and love setting boundaries. Perhaps if you recognize today that you're people pleasing, I want you to, yes, reconnect with your needs and desires, practice self compassion, but it's going to reveal that we probably have to set some boundaries.
We want to learn how to say no. And you know that we can learn. We can say no in a way that is graceful. Let's ask our brain [00:21:00] that question. How can I learn to say no and to do it gracefully? So good. Because remember saying no to one thing allows you to say yes to something else. And I want you to say yes to something else that aligns more closely with your current priorities in your stage of motherhood.
And the last kind of strategy to break free from people pleasing is to embrace authenticity. Practice being honest about your thoughts and feelings, even when it's uncomfortable. It's actually uncomfortable either way, right, everyone? It's uncomfortable to say no, but it's also uncomfortable to say yes, because then we've said yes. And then we're like, Oh, why did I say yes? Or I would have rather done this or now I'm going to have to put this off and you know, it's uncomfortable either way.
So go to that authenticity, right? You know, a couple other strategies that come to mind is just to remind yourself that your worth comes from being a child of God and [00:22:00] not from others opinions of you. I did a whole other podcast about not caring what other people think. And I think that it, I'm sure I brought up people pleasing and definitely go look up that one.
I think it's called how to not care what other people think. And that will be a great, just kind of help to go along with this one. And just begin to notice when you're tempted to people please, right? Maybe you, you can hone in today from listening or your mind has gone to think about that there are certain people who you have no problem saying no to, but there's maybe certain people who you always people please with.
Is it specific people or maybe it's specific situations that have you tending to people please. Okay. Awareness of this is awesome. So even just kind of asking yourself, Hmm, who are the people who I usually are people pleasing and why? And what are specific situations that I find that I always like people please.[00:23:00]
And that's a great start to the change that you want. So lastly, for those who are listening to this podcast when it comes out, I know many of you will listen to it later. It's just how podcasts work, but I just want to address that when this one comes out. It's in the beginning of November and as we approach the holiday season, I just want to underscore how important it is for you to be more mindful about whether you're people pleasing or lessening people pleasing because the holidays often bring increased family time and social obligations, which can amplify our people pleasing tendencies. And so this year I want to encourage you to look at things differently. I want you to release any ownership of how others think or react to you living in your own world.
Own truth, your own authenticity, take ownership of your time and your energy and be more mindful and [00:24:00] intentional about what you say yes to and what you say no to. And can you see the difference between the service part of it or whether you're in people pleasing. And I hope that this holiday season you can break free and know that, you know, it's a journey.
So be patient and gentle with yourself and don't go after it perfectly. But even discover if you like sneak in a few times there where you thought you'd people please, but you were like decided no. And you changed or pivoted right there I want to so celebrate that with you. It's a big, big deal.
Okay. So as I close, I want to encourage you to take a moment. Reflect on your own life. Where might you be falling into the people pleasing trap? How can you take one small step towards living more authentically today? Remember, our ultimate goal is to create a life that we feel more peaceful in control [00:25:00] about.
But also know that there are going to be times when we feel negative or do hard things on purpose and it's just all a balance, but all good. And I challenge you to practice some of the strategies that I've offered today. Notice when you're tempted to fall into people pleasing patterns. Instead, choose to honor your true self.
You might be surprised at how this shift not only brings you more peace, but allows you to be more present and joyful when you are around others. And I hope you found this episode helpful. I'm always so interested in hearing your thoughts and to share your experiences. So definitely reach out comment.
If you know somebody else who has these tendencies, you might share this episode. That would be awesome, but ultimately, thank you so much for joining me today on The Peaceful Mind Podcast. And until next week, may peace be with you always.
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Until next time, peace be with you always.
