[00:00:00] You are listening to episode 246 of the Peaceful Mind Podcast.
Welcome to the Peaceful Mind Podcast, a place for creating the peace of mind you need to be the best mom you were created by God to be. If you want to bring more balance, more joy, and more peace to your motherhood, this is the place for you. I'm your host, certified life coach at Catholic Mom, Danielle Thienel.
In the name of the Father, of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit, let's get started. Hello. Hello, everyone. I'm your host, Danielle, and I'm so glad you're here because today we're talking about, I'm really surprised at myself for never having dedicated a full episode to this concept. But this week, the topic came up with my clients so much, I'm like, I want to do a specific episode on it.
And so today what we're going to be talking about is something that we call the manual. Okay. And really what it is, it's an, instruction guide that we have like made up for ourselves and for other [00:01:00] people that includes a list of expectations. And shoulds of ourselves and others that we carry around, not like physically, but mentally. We all have built these kind of books per se that have the list of what other people should be doing.
And then it becomes what we feel like is our truth. So it basically is an instruction guide that we have created, and it is for someone in our lives that tells us how we think they should behave in order for us to feel good and to be happy in our own lives. So let's just think about that. Okay. If we are carrying around a list of instructions for other humans, just so we can be happy, can you [00:02:00] see how this could be a real big obstacle to our own enjoyment and peace in our lives?
And here's why. Bottom line is we have zero control over others. And yes, mama, that does include our own children. It just is really includes everybody. All human beings were given this gift from God, this power to be able to think anything they want, which then creates how they feel. And then those fields drive those feelings, drive your actions.
And that is why we each get our individual results. I want to offer on this episode today for you to question and say, what are my manuals? What is my instruction guide for myself and for others that are a list of unmet expectations that there are a list of shoulds that say, if you behave this certain way, then you're going to give yourself the freedom to be happy and [00:03:00] enjoy life.
So we generally don't tell other people what's in our made up manuals and we usually don't even realize we have them and we usually don't see for ourselves the pain that it's actually causing the suffering that it's actually causing ourselves because of what we're carrying around in our mind about what others should be doing.
So we feel that other people should just know. Right? They should know what's right and what to do and how they should treat us. While that may seem that it can justify your expectations, but really what it is doing, it's damaging your peace because when your emotional happiness is directly tied to other people behaving a certain way, we can lose a very high percentage of the time.
And so I want to be able to offer you how to break free, [00:04:00] right? To free yourself from carrying around these mental manuals about others and about yourself. And the way that we talk about it in my life coaching certification, where I got schooled in these, the tools that we call, which one of them is this awareness of the manuals that we carry around and that is, can we set them down like we are visualizing them as a book, but can we let them go?
Can we set them down? So many of you out there, and I know this from many of my clients and I myself also, used to carry around manuals. And the reason why many of us have these is it stems from this belief that we would just be happier if someone else in our lives would change. So for example, in my life, I remember thinking that if my boss would only just not be so mean or in a bad mood, then I wouldn't be stressed.
I thought that if the contractors who were [00:05:00] working on renovations, if they would just hold to this schedule and stop finding things that would have to cost me more, then I wouldn't have to be like, have this experience and be upset all the time during the renovation process. And this is a huge cause of suffering because I was handing over my power of how I feel to someone else.
In this case, my boss or the contractors. And one of the most powerful things that I can teach you and what I want you to take away from this episode is that this isn't true about other people being the reason for our feelings ever. Because other people's behavior has no impact on us emotionally until we choose to add meaning to it.
Or until we think about it and interpret it and, and again, make it mean something until then it doesn't have an impact on us. So no [00:06:00] matter what people do, how they act or what they say, we don't have to give others the power to determine how we feel. But if you're someone carrying around one of these imaginary instruction guides that I'm calling, that we call the manual.
Then that is us kind of like fighting what is responsible. We're giving the responsibility away, giving our power away, and that is what I want you to break free from. So this concept of carrying around and having a manual, which I'm pointing out that we all pretty much do. And so, I'm bringing that awareness to you, like I would, I would really bet that you have manuals for yourself and other people, but maybe you just didn't know it.
And that's the whole beauty of this work of coaching is there were just some things we don't know. And then until we see them and are aware of them, we can't change them. And this one concept is something that I bet a lot of you out there [00:07:00] aren't aware of having these mental manuals and instruction books for other people.
And so it can be really helpful and mind altering for you, but it also can be like a little jarring, right? If we've lived our whole lives thinking that if other people would change, then we would feel better. And so it may be difficult for us to just realize that we've been doing it like voluntarily and unnecessarily.
And if that is you, if you're like, Oh my gosh, I've been doing that for so long. I want you to try and leave the judgment out of it and just be grateful and glad that now you're learning that this might be something that you are doing right now. And so then let's just be really glad that you came to this information and now have a chance to change it.
So. Let me give you a list of examples of what one of the manuals would contain. [00:08:00] So if we're thinking about having manuals for other people it would, inside this manual, you might be thinking for a certain person, Oh, like, let's just say we're going to pick like one of your friends right now. Oh, she should remember my birthday and she should invite me when she has a party.
And then if I have a party or if I give her a gift, she should write me a thank you note. She should be kind and understanding when I'm frustrated. She should support me. She should listen to me for as long as I've listened to her. So notice how we have, so that's an example of maybe we have some friends and friendships and we're carrying around this manual that says a good friend.
And inside that manual, this is your list of what you think other people should do in order to check off being a good friend. So, let's think about, you know, our relationships with our spouse. That [00:09:00] manual could be something like, he should tell me he loves me every day. He should buy something special for me on my birthday without me having to tell him what I want.
He should know what I like. He should just take out the garbage when it's full without me asking. He should be emotionally available for me. He should want to go to the movies I like. He should make more money. He should spend less time at work. He should spend more time with the kids. He shouldn't watch so much football.
Do you see that this is our own list of shoulds that we are defining and believing for ourselves that if this other person in this last example, like our spouse, that would make a good spouse. Or that if he just did all those things, then I would be happy. But this is where we get tripped up, right?
Because these manuals that we hold for other people aren't working. So [00:10:00] no matter how hard we try, other humans still don't follow our manuals because they are the ones who get to own their own actions. They're the reason why not because of what we are hoping and believing that they should do. And that word should is mostly what our manuals are made up of.
So think about the ones that we hold for ourselves, right? So let's just talk about what we think to be a good mom. We're probably carrying around a manual for that. So it would look something like, good moms spend quality time with each of their children. Good moms don't yell. Good moms should throw a great birthday party for their kids every year and on and on. So the examples that I've given you get simple brief where I just did a friend, our husband, ourselves. It goes on and on. We have [00:11:00] them for our bosses. We have them for our mother in laws, right? We have them for all of our family members. We have them for people we don't even know.
But the truth is most of our manuals, they're so thick and they're, we've built them up in our minds to be complicated and, and detailed. And rather than sometimes if we have the chance to share our expectations with the person that they're about, we generally feel that the other person should just inherently know they're then eager to interpret this as a sign that they're really loved by that person, right? Like if my husband did all of these things, then that means he loves me. But there's a big problem or causes problems for ourself because adults have the ability and freedom to behave however they choose. And this includes you.
So there's nothing you ever have to do. And [00:12:00] there's nothing anyone else has to do for you in order for you to be able to choose to feel good or to take the actions you want or to create the results that you want. Okay. One of the main things is when you realize. That you have been carrying around manuals or that you've been waiting and putting off your own piece until other people change.
Then the next questions I usually get from my clients when I real, when I show them and, and, and point out that this perhaps is the reason why they're suffering and whatever, you know, the things that we're coaching on. I want to remind them that it's actually really good news that you've discovered that you have these particular manuals because the great news is all the power for you to feel happy lies within you.
You don't have to wait for anyone to follow these manuals before you can choose to create this happiness for [00:13:00] yourself. And that should be a relief. That should be like, Oh, okay. I didn't realize I was doing this. It makes sense why over the years I've kind of built up these expectations of how certain people should be.
But now I'm seeing that that's not really helpful and I don't want to delay my joy anymore. So then it's like, okay. Now that I've been sort of given back that freedom, that past to create and control my emotional life, and we can start to see like how powerful of a being I am, then it's the next is usually like, okay, so how do I let go of this manual. How do I set it down? Like again, if we're picturing it being a book, we can just like, okay, I no longer want to hold this in my hand. I no longer want to look at it and read it and think that this is what has to happen to other people. I want to set the book down. Okay. I just want to let go of it.
I want it to dissipate. So the best first steps. Are to realize that these manuals are based on [00:14:00] other people and to recognize there's tremendous benefit of taking responsibility for our own rules for ourselves by creating our own personal operating manual for ourselves. And the truth is most of us can't even control to, you know, manage ourselves yet we want to control and manage other people.
So that what coaching does is we shift for you to focus on yourselves and manage yourselves and learn to be able to release these expectation for yourself. And when that happens, the good news is, is that it's much more easy for you to be able to apply that to other human beings. So we first want to acknowledge that, that we have manuals for other people.
And then we just want to explore what it might look like to do things differently, knowing that other people's behavior doesn't control our feelings, then has us taking a look at what our feelings are and what we're choosing to think to create that [00:15:00] so we don't have to interpret it. Negatively, how other people are showing up, we really just want to begin to interpret our life a little bit more.
And this is what happens when coaching, when the focus is on you and what's going on inside your mind and how you're feeling on a daily basis and whether you're taking the actions that you want to or not. It takes a self reflection. It requires responsibility for what emotions you're creating instead of putting any kind of external blame on other people and sometimes literally just finding out and, and getting noticing what your list of shoulds are.
I remember as I'm saying this, I'm just kind of thinking about my early, relationship with my husband, which next year we will be celebrating our 25th wedding anniversary. But in those first years, I really did believe that he should be talking more, communicating more, probably, [00:16:00] especially in some of those kind of like early I guess I don't really call them well, I'll just name them fights because that like is more prevalent for all of us to understand. And I remember I was doing a lot of the talking myself and I just felt like he should be talking back. But now 25 years in to our marriage I know that that was an unmet expectation that I was placing on him because actually the way that I know and how he communicates and processes things, my, that he shouldn't be talking any more than he already is or letting me know what's going on inside his mind in a way that I think he should be communicating it.
So that is one of the things that I can tell that once I realized that I'm the one creating myself feeling negative in these circumstances, when we're the way that we're communicating. I was then able to set down and let go [00:17:00] of that expectation or put down the manual per se. And it's really empowering instead of trying to control and manipulating other people, which never works by the way.
Instead, I was able to make myself a great creator like taking the CEO mentality and being a boss of my life instead of trying to change him. So I want to leave you all today with just this invitation to get a little bit familiar and recognize what the manuals are that you are carrying around. For other people and for yourself, what are those lists of shoulds?
You believe that if other people carried out or if you were doing and creating, then you think then you would be happy. I want to invite you to start with yourself. Remember, all of your feelings always come from your thinking. I want you to decide, decide that you're not going to make your life about the way you believe you're entitled to be treated by others.
[00:18:00] The only thing that we're entitled to is to take care of our own emotional life and our own brain to make sure that we are thinking thoughts that serve us. And when we are carrying around manuals, we are building a trap around ourselves that don't help or serve us. And so I'm inviting you to free yourself of these unmet expectations.
And if you really want something taken care of, then make sure you're owning and taking action on it yourself. It is truly possible to let go of all the rules and regulations and all your attempts to control other people in your life. And if you will just focus on trying to control only yourself and your responses to how other people behave, then I just, can you imagine how your life would be more positively [00:19:00] affected?
Than it is perhaps right now, because when we don't try to control others, they actually feel more safe that they can be true to themselves. They can be their true selves. And this is what authentic and intimate relationships are actually made up of.
We can show up much calmer when we don't make others and actions that we think are negative to us and we can maybe perhaps actually hear them out. So I hope that today's episode makes you want to throw away your manual and know that as humans will probably pick them up again and start following them. But maybe you can catch yourself and realize and take a look at how your relationships are improving dramatically when you no longer are.
Having the mentality coming that they should be doing certain things because none of us truly have to do anything that we don't [00:20:00] want to do. And if we're willing to let go of our expectations and focus all that time and energy that right now is going out to wishing others would change. But we put that time and energy into ourselves in creating the best life we can.
You'll just find out that your life will be much more enhanced and so will your relationships And that is what I want for you in your life. Okay everyone, get some awareness about what the mental manuals you are carrying out in your life. Free yourself from them by letting go of the shoulds of others and focusing on you being the number one caretaker of your emotional life.
And that is what I have for you this week. Have a beautiful rest of your week and peace be with you always. Thank you so much for tuning in to today's episode of the Peaceful Mind Podcast. If you found value in today's episode, I'd be so grateful if you could subscribe and leave a [00:21:00] review. It not only supports the podcast, but ensures you don't miss out on future episodes packed with insights and tools to create peace of mind in your busy mom life.
And if you're of the Catholic faith like me or any Christian mom seeking to feel better in any area of your life and to show up more calm, connected, and confident, I can help. Become an empowered mom who knows how to bring about the changes you desire, no matter the circumstances, whether you need one on one guidance to get there, prefer a group coaching program with like minded women or a self-study course I've got you covered.
Explore my private one-on-one packages, join my busy to balance group life coaching program or delve into my signature course Divine Time. To find out which path is right for you. Let's meet and see what's the best fit. Schedule a free call with me at daniellethienel.com or send me a direct message on Facebook or [00:22:00] Instagram @daniellethienelcoaching..
And also don't forget to get your copy of my book, the Cyclone Mom Method, How to Call On Your God-Given Power To Remain Calm, In Control, and Confident As A Busy Mom. Dive into the digital and bonus audio version when you go to book.daniellethienel.com/new-book. You'll find all the details in the show notes too.
Until next time, peace be with you always.
