[00:00:00] You are listening to Episode 232 of the Peaceful Mind Podcast.
Welcome to the Peaceful Mind Podcast, a place for creating the peace of mind you need to be the best mom you were created by God to be. If you want to bring more balance, more joy, and more peace to your motherhood. This is the place for you. I'm your host, Certified Life Coach and Catholic Mom, Danielle Thienel.
In the name of the Father, of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit, let's get started.
Hello, beautiful, busy mamas. How are you? What's going on for you? I want to know. Now, you always have access to emailing me or dropping a message, a direct message on either one of the social accounts. [00:01:00] But I just want you to know that I so much enjoy each of you who take time to reach out, especially on a specific episode, right?
Where you tell me how it was impactful for you, but you say the kindest things. And I just wanted to start out today by saying, thank you. Thank you so much for listening, for sharing, for rating and reviewing, for taking a moment to reach out to you know, to say how much that you like it. I just want you to know that it all means so much.
. I ask God to help me be a channel of his peace. So any kind of acclimation or enjoyment or validation or something that you all give me or tell me about, I just want you to know that I offer that all back up to, to God for just being there for me for providing me with some of these gifts for helping, for giving me his word to tell me to not be fearful.
And so again, I just want to start out this [00:02:00] episode with so much gratitude and thank you for you all. And I want to also let you know that today I want to offer you and discuss a crucial skill, a crucial skill that. It's going to be such a game changer changer in your motherhood. If you open up to and strive to, to reach and grow this skill, I have seen from experience of coaching for these past five years that this is something that moms struggle with, but when you overcome it it is a game changer for your time, for your energy, for your time management results, for your peace of mind, for your relationships.
And that is the crucial skill, which is the art of saying no. And I want to help you in this episode understand why saying no is important. And I also want to let you know [00:03:00] how people pleasing affects you and how you can master that art of saying no and do so gracefully.
That's actually what we want to do. I don't think that you have an aversion to saying no. I think that it's everything that your brain tells you happens after you say no. And that's what I want to help you handle more gracefully. So let's explore what you gain when you say no, when you do it more often.
And I hope to share some practical strategies that's going to help you get started. So let's first talk about why we think that saying no is a bad thing. Many of us, we've been conditioned to believe that saying no is negative, like just in itself, the word, like we associate yes with being positive and no with being negative.
So that makes sense, right? Why we would think that no is a bad thing. Well, the reason what our brain [00:04:00] says when we are going to say no to something really puts us into worrying about disappointing others and if that's you I have an episode a couple episodes back that addresses this right about caring what other people's think.
We also think that it's going to show up as us being, seeming unhelpful, or it's going to come across as selfish. This fear often stems from a deep rooted desire for us to be liked and accepted. So, this makes complete sense to me, and that's what I want to offer to you. So, this aversion to saying no, it makes sense when you go back and know that we were created in a way on this, to live on this earth where we're meant to be like in community and support each other.
And even like, you know, something that's a little bit more like being part of a tribe because if you were rejected from that, then Not [00:05:00] surviving. So we've just kind of over the years. This is kind of how it's like built up in us that innate desire to be liked and accepted however, what I want you to see is that always saying yes to everything is what can lead to burnout what leads us to being the stressed mom the overwhelmed mom.
And it also leads us to being the resentful mom and, I'm here to help you feel more peace and have more peace of mind in your life and help you get the results, the changes and the transformations you want. And I know you all don't want to be in burnout, stress and feel resentful. Feels awful. So let's just talk a little bit about people pleasing and what that hidden cost is to you when you are someone who is a people pleaser.
It [00:06:00] makes sense to me on the surface. Remember I mentioned that, like we want to be agreeable. We want to maintain harmony in our relationships. However, at its core, people pleasing is about seeking external validation and approval. And at its core, we are lying when we say yes to something when inside our hearts we're really saying no. We really want to say no.
It often involves or such we believe that it that saying no and and that people pleasing like it involves sacrificing our own needs and our own boundaries to make others happy that makes sense why we think that we End up saying yes and, and we do it to please others, right?
Because we think that we'll, we'll have to sacrifice our own needs and boundaries. And then that what happens when we do [00:07:00] that and follow through is what it leads. That's what leads to the exhaustion. It kind of leads to a little bit of a loss of our own self identity, right? Because we don't get to follow what our wants and our desires are and really get to know what lights us up and what fills us up because.
We're are focusing on somebody else's happiness and their identity. So there's a little bit of a loss of our own, or at least a loss of an awareness of our own. So I would like to help eradicate people pleasing from your life. We might not be able to get it down to zero, right? But at least lessening it for you because it's essential for your wellbeing and for you to foster really genuine and healthy relationships to others.
You've got to start by showing up as your authentic self, which means revealing what it is you really want. And that sometimes means saying no. So [00:08:00] what you are saying yes to is what I want you to also see. Whenever we say no to something, we're also saying yes to something else. Whenever we're saying yes to something, we're saying no to something else.
There's always a trade off. Can you see that? I would love if that's your only takeaway today for the art of saying no that's to realize that whenever you say no, you're saying yes to something else. Whenever you're saying yes to something, you're saying no to something else. And often that's at our own detriment.
But let's focus on when you say no, what you're saying yes to, and that's. When you get better at saying no, you're actually saying yes to yourself. You are then prioritizing your own needs. You're prioritizing your health when you say no, you're prioritizing your happiness when you say no. And this shift allows you to be more present, energized, and effective in your roles.
And that is what [00:09:00] mamas are coming to me wanting. And that's what's not happening in their lives, in their motherhood. So, by setting boundaries, that's what you're doing. When you're saying no, you're actually following through on a consequence that you have decided is best for you.
When you do that, you create space. You create space for you to have time and energy to focus on what truly matters to you. And that, my friend, what I want you to see is that it serves everyone. It serves your family, your friends. It serves you, it serves your family, it serves your community at large, it serves the world when you do focus on what truly matters to you.
So the art of saying no, here's a little, a couple practical strategies. I want you to know your priorities. When you understand your priorities, it helps [00:10:00] you make decisions and then decisions help you make decisions. You align your life with your values and goals. When you know what is truly matters and what's important to you, it becomes so much easier to say no to things that don't align with those priorities.
So to say no more often. It is more easy to be able to have you be able to do that. Like, this is the art part of it all, is if you know your priorities. So if family time is a priority for you, saying no to additional work projects or certain social engagements that interfere with family time, that becomes easier.
It's way more clear to you when the offers arise. On how to answer it and you'll have more conviction in your answer to because you'll have this thought like, I know my priorities. I know that [00:11:00] it's X, Y, and Z right now. I know I've already made this decision. This is what feels good to me.
And so all of those thoughts are running through your head when somebody offers you, Hey, do you want to come to, you know, such and such a party with me or whatever, you know, come Friday and you will have known that you have already you know, that's might be your family going out to pizza night or something, and you've already made a priority that that is what you are, what's important and truly matters to you for now.
Another strategy is for you to come up with, have your own list, have your own plan of polite refusals. And, then we need to practice them. So, but first you want to be able to get some awareness on what might feel good to you to say how to, how you deliver that no, right? Like you can say [00:12:00] no politely and you can also say it firmly and you can say it without feeling guilty. That is available to you. What does that sound like? What would the sentences and phrases be?
What would your replies be? Take some time on the front end when you're not being asked to do something to think about it. Use phrases that acknowledge that person's request. still maintains your boundaries? And what phrasing and wording do you like when other people say no to your requests? What's something that when you, when you, how you say it, you're like, Oh, yeah, that makes sense.
I can see why you wouldn't do that. Maybe. So Let's just look an example. Here's, here's a few, maybe your reply. If someone asks you to do something or invite you to something and you, you're, you, you do the first strategy, you know, your [00:13:00] priorities and you're like, Nope, this doesn't align with my priorities.
So you might answer in this way. You might say, I appreciate the offer, but I can't commit to that right now. Maybe you would say something like, thank you for thinking of me, but I have other priorities at that moment. The third example, you might say, Oh, I'm honored you asked me, but I need to focus on my family or work or self care right now, or, you know, plug in whatever it is for you.
So those are just some examples that I'm offering to you. You can totally borrow them and take them, or you can spend some time to ask , okay, how do I want what sounds good to me? What sounds like what I would define as a polite refusal? And then we actually have to put those into practice. We have to try it.
It might be hard the first few times. It might get like stuck in your [00:14:00] throat a little bit. before it comes out, but it will get easier. And then when you see the result of saying no, when you see that, Oh, thank goodness I didn't like add more things to my schedule, or I feel good about prioritizing this over that.
When you start seeing the positive results of you saying no, which when I, when I offer that saying no, I'm offering it with, with the intention of knowing that it is going to save your time, save your energy. Save your emotional, like going to emotional negativity. These are the things that I'm wanting to, for, you know, helping you get better at the art of saying no, so that you can enhance these things for yourself.
Okay. Last strategy I want to offer. [00:15:00] Actually I may have a few more. The next strategy I want to offer is for you to offer an alternative. So when possible give a different or an alternative solution or suggest maybe somebody else who might be able to help if somebody's asking you for their help.
This shows you that you care and you want to support them even if you can't personally fulfill the request. So that might look like, I can't take on this project right now, but I know Sarah has been looking for more work like this. Maybe she can help. Do you see how offering an alternative to them might be a way to reply in a way that will help you grow in that critical skill of saying no?
And maybe this idea that you are helping somebody else and still helping them will [00:16:00] help alleviate any negative association you have with saying no. Another thing that we could try. This one has worked magically for me because anytime we take an action that allows us to like take a breath, create some space, give us some margin to be able to think I am all about it.
When I'm working with my clients, we talk about this, about the pause. Like building in the pause and it really is we're doing so that we can take a moment to like analyze our thoughts and and maybe create, you know, choose a one that be more serving to us So if you're like unsure whether to say yes or no can you give yourself time to think before you respond?
I know that this is going to help you prevent from agreeing to things like on the impulse, like [00:17:00] doing it impulsively. And so how that might look like could be something as simple as, let me check my schedule and get back to you. It might be like, I'm not quite sure, but I'm going to go find out the answer and I will let you know as soon as I have it.
Do you see that? We are using delayed responses so that we can then gather our, our thoughts and feel more conviction behind whether we say yes or no. And then I've kind of mentioned I sprinkled it in a little bit before in some of these other strategies, but if we communicate our boundaries, if we do that clearly and we stick to them, this is going to make it better.
So what this does is this helps others understand our limits and it reduces our likelihood of over committing because that again is [00:18:00] really what is behind me wanting to give you this episode to learn the art of saying no, because I am directly talking to you busy moms who have a tendency and habit to over commit.
And I want you to reduce the likelihood of you over committing. And the way we do that is we set clear boundaries, we communicate our boundaries, and we stick to them. So an example of what you might say to someone could be, I don't take on new commitments on weekends so I can spend time with my family, right?
So when it's maybe you know, when you, it makes sense, right? When your boundary is, I don't take on commitments on the weekends. And then your consequence, right, is that I follow through with this because it [00:19:00] allows me to focus on the priority, which is weekend time is for my family.
And so we just to If we have set that ahead of time, we just have to communicate that to someone. We literally say our boundary out loud. And that can also help us say no, so that we will be less overcommitted and we will be not overextend our time and energy.
And then we will be showing up more as the mom that we want to, more effective woman and person. So let's talk about a few, like, kind of before and afters. Let's think of real life examples. Okay. So first we'll talk about work commitments. Maybe you're someone who says yes to extra work projects, and that leads you to late nights and stress. The after, when you have the art of saying no, when you've grown in this skill, you might set a boundary that you do not take [00:20:00] additional projects beyond your work hours.
And then this is going to give you time for, of course, my two favorite things for our family and for self care and then social obligations. So if we are growing in our skills to with the art of saying no, let's say you might feel obligated right now to attend every social event. even when you're tired and exhausted.
And then the after, after you grow in the skill or you're practicing growing in the skill, you'll prioritize your rest and you'll only attend the certain events that you truly enjoy and you feel up to. And this is going to, this is going to reduce your stress and it will increase your happiness and your sense of peace.
What about school activities? Right, the volunteering for all the school activities, and then we feel guilty. I just did a podcast about that, right? You volunteer for all the school events, and then you feel guilty about it, and then this [00:21:00] doesn't help anybody. It doesn't help you, doesn't help your child, doesn't help how you show up for that event that you really meant to say no to, but you said yes.
But then, if you learn the art of saying no, you're going to choose maybe just a few key events to volunteer, and this will allow you to contribute meaningfully, but without overwhelming yourself.
All right, moms. I just want you to know that I get it. I get why it's tough. I get why we want to say yes to everything. But saying no is an art that I want you to, to grow in, especially if you want to move from a busy life to a balanced life.
It will take practice and it will take mindfulness, but hopefully in some of the, you know, help I've offered today by understanding your own priorities, by getting clear on those by using polite refusals, by [00:22:00] offering alternatives to those who are asking you things of you. By delaying your responses, build in that great pause, and by setting clear boundaries and following through on them, you too can master this art and create a more balanced, fulfilling life.
Remember, every time you say no to something that doesn't serve you, you're saying yes to something that does.
Okay, as always, thank you for joining me on this episode of the Peaceful Mind Podcast. If you found these strategies helpful, share this episode with another mom who might benefit from it. And know that you always have the opportunity, if you haven't taken me up on it already, to come speak with me in person.
I love to get to know my listeners and for me to show you the power of what I do. Actually working with your life [00:23:00] circumstances in real time, that power of transformation that happens when you work with a coach, I'd love to talk to you. Thanks again for joining me. I will see you again next week and until then, peace be with you always.
Thank you so much for tuning in to today's episode of the peaceful mind podcast. If you found value in today's episode, I'd be so grateful if you could subscribe and leave a review. It not only supports the podcast, but ensures you don't miss out on future episodes, packed with insights and tools To create peace of mind in your busy mom life.
And if you're of the Catholic faith, like me or any Christian mom seeking to feel better in any area of your life and to show up more calm, connected, and confident, I can help become an empowered mom who knows how to bring about the changes you desire, no matter the circumstances, whether you need one on one guidance to get there, prefer a group coaching program with like [00:24:00] minded women or a self study course. I've got you covered explore my private one on one packages, join my Busy to Balanced group life coaching program, or delve into my signature course, Divine Time. To find out which path is right for you.
Let's meet and see what's the best fit schedule a free call with me at daniellethienel.com or send me a direct message on Facebook or Instagram. And also, don't forget to get your copy of my book, The Cyclone Mom Method: How to Call on your God Given Power to Remain Calm, In Control, and Confident as a Busy Mom.
Dive into the digital and bonus audio version when you go to book.daniellethienel.com/new-book. You'll find all the details in the show notes too. Until next time, peace be with you always.[00:25:00]
