[00:00:00] You are listening to Episode 231 of the Peaceful Mind Podcast.
Welcome to the Peaceful Mind Podcast, a place for creating the peace of mind you need to be the best mom you were created by God to be. If you want to bring more balance, more joy, and more peace to your motherhood, This is the place for you. I'm your host, certified life coach at Catholic Mom, Danielle Thienel
In the name of the Father, of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit, let's get started.
Welcome back to the Peaceful Mind Podcast. I'm Danielle, your host, and today we're diving into a topic that every mom can relate to mom guilt. But instead of offering the same old advice, we're going to explore three fresh and actionable [00:01:00] strategies to help you manage and overcome mom guilt effectively.
What is mom guilt? Let's start there. I want to say that it is that nagging feeling that you're not doing enough or that you're failing in your role as a mother or some other flavor around not enoughness, failing, ineffectiveness, things like that. It's very pervasive into our lives. Right? Guilt, it just seeps through.
It seems like almost in every area. Guilt about how we're caring for our home, guilt how we're parenting, guilt in our relationships, guilt from our family members, in laws, things like that. But today, We're going to take what can be incredibly draining and talk about three strategies that will [00:02:00] help you now manage it.
And of course, what I'm always after helping you reclaim your peace of mind, because guilt is a robber. It feels like it's a necessary part of mom life, as if it's a measure of how much you care about your children. However, guilt is what we call an indulgent emotion. All emotion, all emotions except indulgent ones serve a purpose and they have a benefit.
Emotions like love, joy, anger, and sadness, they drive us to take actions that can improve our lives and the lives of those around us. Guilt, on the other hand, does not serve anyone involved. There is no upside to you feeling guilty. Especially when you [00:03:00] know that it's guilt that drives our actions and actions that create our results.
So if guilt is in the driver's seat, it's going to drive a negative result. Guilt doesn't drive us to do actions that improve our lives or the lives around us. On the other hand, It is a stagnant emotion. It's the one that will keep you stuck, unable to move forward or to make any positive changes. It doesn't motivate us.
It doesn't inspire us. It doesn't lead to growth. Instead, I want you to realize and have the awareness and see that when you find yourself feeling guilty, what it is really doing is draining your energy and preventing you from being fully present and engaged with your children and in your life. [00:04:00] And I want to just hone in on the importance for you to recognize that feeling guilty doesn't make you a better mom.
It just makes you a more exhausted and less effective one. And I want you to use what I've offer, what I offer here on the podcast to realize and to see, be like, wow, when I do this, it followed when I follow through, I am making progress towards my goals and I am being a more effective mom. So here, let's dive into the strategies that I want to offer you today to manage depression.
Your mom guilt strategy. Number one is for you to reframe your expectations. Often mom guilt stems from unrealistic expectations that we are setting for ourselves. Like we're putting it on ourselves. We strive to be perfect. Perfection is an impossible standard. Can you at least [00:05:00] agree with me there?
Instead, we must want to put our focus on being a good enough mom. And that is you coming up with. A standard of good enough that is actually attainable and feels positive to you, but isn't trying to, again, set your, yourself up for disappointment. Unnecessary suffering because it's an ideal that maybe was given to you by society or somebody else I want to help my mom's and clients find out what their own standards are and you reframing your expectations is Definitely something that will require a minute of reflection and decision and maybe letting go of past beliefs and just re deciding on a different way to start living [00:06:00] your life by so.
Let's just talk about perhaps an example. Let's say you're a working mom who feels guilty for not being able to attend every school event. Maybe you're coming from this stem that good moms are always present for things like that. But what could be a possible reframe of your own expectations in this example?
What if you now see that being a good mom means that, you know, you navigate whatever circumstances you are in this case, you're working a job in that you make decisions more in the moment, or that you set it up, telling your children that you won't be able to be at all. You'll do your best to be at some, and then showing yourself.
It's not even that you have to even communicate this to your family, showing yourself, telling yourself, growing in your belief in yourself that there is [00:07:00] a trade off for everything. And sometimes work will cause you to be, not be able to be at anything because you're human and have a limited time and limited energy, but it doesn't diminish from your love of your children.
And you also keep focus on, on how you being at that job is benefiting them in ways that perhaps not being present an event, right? How that doesn't you know, X one out. So, maybe you start attending some events and then you're, being fully present when you're there, rather than this feeling of guilt that may slow you down, take away from your work efforts when you are missing it because of work.
It's like no, everybody misses out , if you're at work feeling guilty about missing an event. You know, your [00:08:00] whatever assignment you're working on, your present moment and everybody, when you're not feeling good about how you are choosing to handle like your time and your, where you are and your energy, this guilt doesn't help anyone.
So, in this case, I would want you to just first identify what are your unrealistic expectations that you are now holding. Not necessarily from this work example. If you're, even if you're not a working outside of the home mom, identify for yourself what it is that you're holding. Okay? What are, what are you right now having unrealistic expectations for?
And you're going to want to come up with that and write it down. And then how can you adjust this expectation so that it's more achievable for you? So again, attending, not attending every school event, aim to be [00:09:00] present at key moments. So for me, I know that when I'm like asked to volunteer, like when the signup genius comes.
I used to feel so guilty that I said no, or even before I said no, I would feel so guilty that if I didn't go like that, other people would think. I'm a bad mom or I'm not pulling my weight or doing my share. She must like, you know, she's not involved with her children, their education. Yeah. And then I did the work on it.
I wrote that down. I saw that that kept coming up. I know that guilt doesn't serve me or my child. And so instead I created a realistic goal, which was that I would choose to volunteer if and when it felt like it was a, like, you know, a joyous decision for me, one that felt easy, one that felt totally [00:10:00] doable.
I just did it the other night when it came to my son's soccer end of the year soccer banquet where the signup genius came and I hadn't done answered any of the other signup geniuses that came throughout the season. And this one I was like, Oh, setting up 45 minutes ahead of time for the banquet.
That sounds like something fun that I can like, you know, be helpful and of service and talk with the moms. And I looked at my calendar and it was a date and it was like totally free and open. And I knew that leading up to that day, I didn't have a lot so that I would be, you You know, not having my energy depleted.
So it was such an easy yes. But for those other times I stood knowing that it wasn't helping other that I had my good reasons. And so I didn't allow myself to feel guilty about that. And it really did [00:11:00] end up serving. all of us involved. So we want to remind ourselves that we're doing our best with our time and energy and that it's okay not to be perfect about things or say yes to everything. And that will be so beneficial to your life. And to release some things that you might be feeling guilty about right now.
Okay. Strategy number two that will help manage any mom guilt that you have is to focus on the quality, not the quantity. So it's not about how much time you spend, let's say, I'll just bring up with your children, but it's the quality of that time engaging.
Meaningfully, during moments that you do have will alleviate guilt. I like to think of like compound interest in [00:12:00] this particular this particular strategy because I do know that the quality and the presence of being with my children doesn't it adds up. That I would rather have the compounding quality.
Then the compounding quantity of time. So let's give the example of you being a stay at home mom who feels guilty about not spending every waking moment, let's say while you're home and while they're home playing. I'm drawing these examples from myself because even when I was a stay at home mom, I still had that desire to not spend every minute with them.
So, this is where you would want to dedicate specific times for your quality interactions, like such as reading together, or going to the park[00:13:00] or having like a weekly game night. I'm not thinking that because I'm not, because I am home with them and because they're home that I need to be filling their time with my energy and, you know, doing all of the things I remember that like, I still wanted to be able to meet up with a girlfriend.
And yes, like sometimes I would bring the kids along, but sometimes I would get a babysitter so that I could go hang out and have lunch or something and fill myself up, even though the kids were home, right? Just shifting this, shifting this to see that we don't have to feel guilty that we're not spending every waking moment together.
I know that at first I would feel guilty because I didn't like the types of activities that my kids wanted to do, like painting and Play Doh and all of that because [00:14:00] I would rather not do that activity. I remember even that being something that. I just decided that those were a no. And then for, for me when I'm at home, but I remember also, even though I was a stay at home mom, when I offered them to go, I, I into like a preschool kind of situation, I remember thinking that is when they're going to get all of the painting in Play Doh.
And so notice how I realized that feeling guilty about the type of activities or spending time with them. The amount of time because I was a stay at home mom, notice how I, that just, it's depleting. It's like, it takes like, it sucks out kind of like your, your joy and takes the energy when you aren't like fully feeling like what, how you're engaged. is exactly how you want to be [00:15:00] showing up.
That guilt takes over and it for sure is not having you be enjoy your time, like where you are with the children at the time. So we just want to shift to what does make us feel more fulfilled and less guilty when we are spending that time. And especially when we're spending it on other tasks that our brain tells us are things like we shouldn't be spending our time on, especially when we want to be more present with our kids.
So, let's plan specific activities that, that you do enjoy and foster meaningful interactions with your children. And then during those times, you can put away distractions like phones and you can focus entirely on them. But it's also knowing that it is okay when you don't. That you're choosing on purpose, those times you're staying away.
And when you can think that way and release the guilt, everyone benefits when we [00:16:00] show up as our more authentic self. And you do want to acknowledge and cherish those little moments of connection throughout the day. I do see this, that moms are really discounting, thinking that it's like not enough. And again, this brings on them feeling guilty. So the more and more you see how much those little moments and the things that you are doing That's also going to lessen your guilt.
So the last strategy I want to bring up is normalizing you first when you do feel guilty, knowing that is a normal thought that moms are just going to have and bring up. All right. And also that it's also normal to ask for help when we are perpetually finding ourselves in like carrying out actions that are creating us feeling guilty. This is when you do want to seek outside help because I [00:17:00] don't want you to stay in those, that pattern of feeling guilt because mom guilt, it often arises from this belief that you have to do everything.
Maybe you're even yourself, but realizing that it's okay to ask for help will be liberating for you. So you want to start to reach out to your support network for help, whether it's a neighbor to pick up your kids from school or hiring a babysitter, like I mentioned, for a few hours a week, maybe so that they can do the painting in Play Doh, if that's something.
Or asking for help, being part of groups, telling people what it is you're feeling guilty about. And I know that this is a lot of things. I love that my clients come to me. I want to know what the things they are feeling guilty about, because I want to help them get through the obstacle, knowing that it's not serving them, that it's actually taking them away from their goal, right?
How [00:18:00] can you reduce your guilt by allowing yourself to recharge? And how can asking for help, hiring help, how can that play into you being a mom that is less guilty? So first, we want to be able to determine where you could use help. Is that like household chores? Is it other responsibilities? Is it childcare?
Is it around what you should or shouldn't be doing? This is when hiring the help of a coach comes in, right? If you know that it's these b]eliefs you've grown up believing that aren't are bringing you feeling guilty. Do you want to unwind that? Yeah, so reach out reach out to friends, family, the community resources you have, but again, it might be something like coaching.
It might be something where you need that outside [00:19:00] assistance that would take a little bit of investment to work through, especially if just reaching out like to friends or family isn't being helpful. Just understand that asking for and accepting help, it is such a sign of strength, mamas. It is not a weakness.
And we're usually, yeah, feeling guilty because we are trying to do it all. We are trying to think that we should be handling this better than we are. But yet, if you're finding yourself perpetually feeling guilty and what you're thinking of as falling short, then this third strategy is something you're going to want to to open up to.
I want to leave you all today with just. Again, a reminder, a gentle, loving reminder that mom guilt is a common experience, but I'm also working on [00:20:00] my end really hard to help eradicate that being a common experience for you because it doesn't have to control your life. And for some of you, mom guilt is controlling your life.
So I hope that you can take care. One of these three strategies that are offered, whichever one you think is going to be the easiest for you to get started on today, is that reframing your expectations that you have for yourself in your motherhood and for others? Or is it focusing on quality over quantity?
So, If you take your focus off of how, how much you're doing or how many times you're doing something, but instead make the times you are doing it of high quality, would that help you feel manager guilt? And then last the strategy of normalizing, asking for help. [00:21:00] Can you Is there, is this the where you find that you're feeling most guilty of that you're trying to do it all?
And there are some things that you have been trying to quote, fix yourself or overcome yourself, and it hasn't worked up until this point. Well, then maybe it's time to ask for help in that area. So if you're reframing your expectations, focusing on quality over quantity and normalizing asking for help, you can now manage your guilt more easily and effectively.
And what this will do is have you create a more peaceful and fulfilling motherhood journey. Thank you for joining me on this episode of the Peaceful Mind Podcast. If you found these strategies helpful, please share this episode with another mom who might benefit from it. I know we all have another mom friend that is out there who could be feeling guilty right now and could benefit from this episode just like you may have.[00:22:00]
And remember you are doing an amazing job. I know this, even for you that I don't know out there, I want you to know that you are an amazing mom and are doing an amazing job and it's okay. Give yourself some grace today. All right, everyone, thanks again for joining me. I hope you don't forget to subscribe so you never miss an episode and don't forget for more resources and support.
Just visit my website, daniellethienel.com. Keep cultivating your peaceful mind, even if that means coming back to this podcast week after week or listening to past episodes, one mindful moment at a time to build a peaceful mind. All right. I love you all. Thanks for joining me. I'll see you again next week. And until then, peace be with you always.
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