[00:00:00] You are listening to Episode 230 of the Peaceful Mind Podcast.
Welcome to the Peaceful Mind Podcast, a place for creating the peace of mind you need to be the best mom you were created by God to be. If you want to bring more balance, more joy, and more peace to your motherhood, This is the place for you. I'm your host, certified life coach at Catholic Mom, Danielle Thienel.
In the name of the Father, of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit, let's get started. Well, hello there, my beautiful mamas. I'm so glad you have joined me today. I'm going to try and make this episode today a little shorter than I know last week's was kind of on the long side.
So now I'm going to interject one that's just a little bit more straightforward to the point, [00:01:00] give you something like really valuable to think about. When it comes to your lives and so that you can then move on with your day and start putting this into practice. My question for you is, is your pursuit of happiness making you miserable? Just even before we talk about it, give yourself time to answer that question and to see what comes up. Is your pursuit of happiness making you miserable?
I want to tackle a concept that many of us struggle with, and that is this constant wanting to pursue being happy specifically. I want to know whether it is making you unhappy. The culprit behind this conundrum is something called the arrival [00:02:00] fallacy, and the arrival fallacy is the mistaken belief that once we reach a certain goal or milestone, then we will finally be happy.
And notice the emphasis I'm putting on the word, and then we will be happy. What this is doing is it's attributing the thing that we achieve as the reason why we can then give ourselves permission to feel this feeling of happiness. It's this arrival fallacy. It's the idea that happiness, it lies just around the corner, that it's waiting for us at the end of all of our efforts.
However, this way of thinking mamas, it will lead us to disappointment and ongoing dissatisfaction, like perpetual unhappiness. [00:03:00] Do you see that, that irony? And the reason it does is because happiness isn't something that is achieved or obtained. It's not a destination. It's a state of being that we create for ourselves from within true happiness.
It can be cultivated along the way, and that's what I want for you. I want for you today to see where you are in your life, what stage of motherhood, what your circumstances are. And no matter what they are, I want you to know that you right now can create happiness for yourself. You can create the feeling, this vibration in your body of joy.
It's not just at the end of completing our to do list. In fact, when [00:04:00] we all decide that we are going to focus on creating our happiness along the way, that's actually what's going to more likely have you to actually achieve the goals that right now you're thinking if you achieve, you'll be happy or you'll be happy once you've fulfilled this kind of purpose, or completed this kind of task, or if all of these things have happened, or if you have this experience, then you'll be happy.
But if you take the focus on that end result in destination and you put it on your present moment today and all that you have going on, even in relation to that goal, you still want to come back and say, okay, it sounds like I'd be really happy if I achieved this X, Y, and Z.
Okay. But what can I do today that would make me feel happy? What can I think, be thinking [00:05:00] about myself and my life that right now creates me feeling happy. And then what we know, and I teach here about our feelings being the drivers to our actions, look how much more. We are likely to get into the actions of achieving that goals if it's coming from this joyous feeling, whether that's some kind of flavor of happiness, like excitement, enthusiasm hopeful curious, like all of those are wrapped around this feeling of happiness.
So here's some examples that I have of this arrival fallacy, like in being played out. Let's take your career. Let's if you have right now, if you're working outside the home or you have a career, maybe you have had a career in the past, or even just think about like, you know, at some certain point you're going [00:06:00] to pick up or start a new career. Let's say the scenario is that you believe that getting a promotion will make you happy. But here's the reality. After the promotion, you now face new challenges and responsibilities that your brain will then offer you, like thoughts that will lead to stress and disappointment when it doesn't feel like it that current promotion is as fulfilling as you expected. So you could be working along the way for this promotion the whole time. Maybe you are the, on the journey, you're working long hours. You are working on the weekends. You are doing extra things that are not being asked of you. And all the while you're maybe building up some like, you know, resentment or it's challenging And cause you're thinking to yourself, once I get that promotion, then I'll relax, [00:07:00] then I'll be happy. Then I'll have the amount of money I need. But what I want you to see is once you arrive there and you get the promotion, there is always then going to be new goals in this, in this instance, new responsibilities, new things that your brain is going to be telling you is going to be hard and different.
Okay. And it's going to, that's what's going to lead to stress or maybe disappointment. And maybe you do feel amazing when you get that recognition of the new job, but I do promise you it will be fleeting unless you purposely are cultivating continued things that create you feeling joy.
But what I want you to see is that, even if a promotion is your goal, you want to be able along the way to what you're doing and how you're doing it to get the promotion, to bring you [00:08:00] happiness and joy and peace and balance like along the way, that is what's going to have you then taking the actions that will most likely lead to the promotion sooner because of how we show up from joy Is way different than how we show up from being overwhelmed.
Okay, here's another example. Let's think. Let's talk about material possessions. Let's let you think of buying a new house or a car and you're believing that's going to bring you happiness. Okay. And so again, If you are waiting and withholding your joy until that happens, let's, let's say you're even renting now and all you constantly thinking about is how renting is awful and how it's wasting money and how, you know, it's like you shouldn't, you know, have to do this longer or maybe the landlord is raising the rent or something like that and just notice how your [00:09:00] experience of not buying a new house yet, like it's kind of sucking all of the joy and happiness out of you, but you are thinking that that once you get that new house or car, then you will have that happiness.
Well, for those of us that know, like, as soon as you arrive and you get to that new house or car, there's no doubt about it, that there is some really positive and great feelings that come with that with having achieved it. However, what I want you to see today is that perhaps that initial excitement will fade.
Maybe you're left with them thinking about, okay, how are we going to maintain it? That becomes a burden, or maybe there's this new financial burden of bringing it on. Once you get the car, right? We know that cars and they're amazing either new car spell or something about it doesn't It's only a matter of time before [00:10:00] there is maintenance needed or something breaks down and that happens with House or car or any other possessions that we have right?
I just want you to be aware of in this example that there could be something right now. That is like a material possession. You are hoping or delaying your joy until you get and this podcast is here to remind you to cultivate That joy about your life and what you do have in it now and it that's gonna help you maybe move closer to having that new house or car if that's what you want Here's another example, weight loss.
Okay. How many of you have said that you believe that if you lost X amount of pounds, then, then you'd be happy. Well, and I remember going through this myself after reaching a goal weight, I still felt insecure about certain body parts. I was still unsatisfied once I [00:11:00] hit that number. And I remember thinking like, Oh, this isn't what I thought it was going to be.
Right? It was like this, my self concept didn't like catch up with the actual fact of the weight down. So when I got there, it wasn't this like big elation type thing, or, or you may lose it and you do have that little bit of satisfaction, but notice how that is fleeting. But when you think back to the journey. of losing it? Was it out of constriction and and like being mean to ourselves and beating ourself up kind of thing? Or could, if this is something you want right now, if this is something you're after, weight loss, could you find out ways to make it less constricting and more more of a, a good positive experience for yourself?
Could you create more joy [00:12:00] in your life and happiness around how you are going about weight loss. And that is actually might make you get there faster, but also it's going to change how you feel long lasting, like after you hit your goal.
Parenting milestones. Here's a scenario. Let's say you think once your child reaches a certain stage, like starting school, going off to kindergarten, going off to college, something life will then be easier and happier. Maybe you'd say, then I'll have more time for myself, but really each stage brings a new challenge. And you might feel that you missed out on precious moments by always looking forward to the next milestone that might be the reality, like once they're in there, you'll make, you still will have that, that mental concept of maybe, Oh, now I have to do all these other things while they're at school and I still can't take time for [00:13:00] myself.
Let's say you're believing at a certain level of financial like goal, then that will bring you happiness. But what happens? And let's think about I sometimes give the to my clients, I give the example of people who win the lottery, right? We forever are delaying happiness thinking that once I have this amount of money, then I'll be happy when you have a lottery winner, not all, but some we've seen some evidence that even with their her.
What we would think is financial security, right? There is then this other challenge, right? Of how to, like, live that lifestyle, keep up with it, or their, their self concept isn't, like, hasn't been grown to the place where, where it feels, I don't know, normal or feels comfortable with that amount of money.
So maybe they, like, spend it all and then [00:14:00] they find themselves like back in a place where you know They don't have happiness because they were thinking that it was the money and the amount of money that brings happiness But the difference right the difference is that hopefully, as a listener and definitely as a client of mine, what you see is that whatever you achieve, whether it's financial stability, whether it's a milestone in parenting, whether it's a weight loss goal, a material possession you wanted or career success, right?
It is never those things that create our happiness ever. It's always what we're choosing to think about and the meaning we give to those things that then creates our happiness. And so with that being said, I want to distill that arrival fallacy to stop taking our eyes off of the end result to start [00:15:00] taking our eyes off the end result so that you can come back to say, or to know that it is now, today, that's the important that you want to know how to create happiness today with what you have.
So leading up to that, let me just offer like a few things of what you can do instead to help follow through with that, with creating happiness now, which again is going to more likely have you getting to your goals faster. And for sure it's going to be a better experience, more enjoyable along the way.
And that is to one, practice gratitude. If you regularly acknowledge and appreciate the positive aspects that are in your life now, you're going to feel more happy and that happiness is going to help you move along to your goals. How about setting realistic [00:16:00] goals? Right. If we break down our goals into smaller, manageable steps, and we create like small wins along the way, I'm always having my clients tell me what they're celebrating today.
What is a win that you had this week? Right? And coming back to see and to find out feel the joy and to let us celebrate in their joy, right? Take part in it is only going to create more happiness, which then helps them want to tackle the next goal. And the next goal, what you want to do instead of believing that once you have something, you'll be happy.
You want to focus on enjoying and engaging with the present moment more often than you are now, rather than always looking ahead to the next, to the next, right? I also want to reiterate, again, it's like I'm a broken record player, but that's okay. I don't mind because this is the utmost important. When you are prioritizing your self care, when [00:17:00] you take time to nurture yourself physically, emotionally, and mentally and spiritually, your wellbeing soars, AKA you feel better more of the time.
And when we feel better more of the time, that is going to drive us into action, which is then going to be creating. Those results that we want, and it's not the results that make us happy. Well, some of them can, but again, it's like getting to the result in the first place is to have us to have us be creating those feelings that it takes to get into motion on getting what we want.
Building strong relationships. I would much rather you be investing your time and energy in building and maintaining meaningful relationships. So if you don't have them right now, then first starting with the relationship with yourself and then [00:18:00] individually taking look on where you want your relationships to grow and be stronger and more connected.
And when this happens, Then we don't rely on a later date, a later time when certain things are all lining up or people are acting in a way we want. And so building strong relationships now are going to help you cultivate the joy in your life that you might be putting on hold or delaying.
So if now you recognize that you might have been in the pursuit of making yourself happy, only making yourself miserable because you're constantly chasing the next goal. You're comparing yourself to others and measuring your happiness and success against others and neglecting your self care and sacrificing your relationships and ignoring the present.
I hope that today's podcast was a reminder of what to do instead and to dispel this myth [00:19:00] of only feeling happiness when and then insert a later date and instead seeing that we want to cultivate our happiness on a daily basis and we can do that through our own mind and thoughts and not having to wait for an outside circumstance to be our reality.
Thank you for joining me today. If you like what you heard, please go and rate and review the podcast. This is so helpful and I thank you ahead of time for it. Thank you so much for being here. Have a great week and peace be with you always.
Thank you so much for tuning in to today's episode of the peaceful mind podcast. If you found value in today's episode, I'd be so grateful if you could subscribe and leave a review. It not only supports the podcast, but ensures you don't miss out on future episodes packed with insights and tools to create peace of mind in your busy mom life. And if you're of the [00:20:00] Catholic faith like me or any Christian mom seeking to feel better in any area of your life and to show up more calm, connected, and confident, I can help.
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