[00:00:00] You are listening to Episode 228 of the Peaceful Mind Podcast.
Welcome to the Peaceful Mind Podcast, a place for creating the peace of mind you need to be the best mom you were created by God to be. If you want to bring more balance, more joy, and more peace to your motherhood, This is the place for you. I'm your host, Certified Life Coach and Catholic Mom, Danielle Thienel.
In the name of the Father, of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit, let's get started.
Hello my beautiful mamas. Welcome back to the podcast. I am really just, I'm excited about what possibly you could learn or take away from this podcast today and how it might benefit your life on the other end. If you start to think [00:01:00] about this concept differently, I know that all of us struggle with wanting to really know what other people are thinking of us.
And we struggle with letting what we imagine they think of us. We struggle with letting that interfere with our own self confidence, self concept and daily life. And I am looking to inject some more peace of mind around this subject of you learning how to stop. letting it bother you what other people think.
But I first want to start out by saying the goal for today is really not to stop it altogether because I know that's an impossible feat. So really what the title of the episode should be is how to care less about what other people think. I did a podcast about this in the [00:02:00] similar to worrying, right?
How worrying has such negative effects on our peace yet when we think that we're going to be able to ever stop it all together That is just a a fallacy and actually a dead end street and not a worthy goal But what a worthy goal is for you today in your motherhood is to learn how to care a little less about what other people think what other people think about you and what you're doing and And When you care less, what that really means is you'll be putting a little bit more mental and emotional focus on something else that is actually helpful in serving to your motherhood in order to realize how it's not something we can stop altogether.
It is to find out the actual brain science behind why. We [00:03:00] have such a desire to know what other people are thinking about us or to have this desire to have people think highly of us or think well of us. So that's where I want to start today before I give you some tips and strategies and some steps you could take to progress towards being someone who cares less about what other people's think other people thinks so about us.
Let's start there, right? Caring about what others think of us is deeply rooted in our evolutionary history and the functioning of our brains. And so I want to bring to light, or some reminders for some of you, what the key reasons are, why we have this tendency to bring ourselves to try and dig in what's going on in other people's minds or playing out role playing what they might be thinking of us.
Why is it so prevalent? Well, one of the reasons is because [00:04:00] how we historically have depended heavily on being part of a group. So being accepted within a social group, that meant we, it means we have access to different resources. Back then it was like we had protection and then there was this like collective knowledge from others.
It makes sense that our brain has been wired to fear any kind of social rejection, right? Because back then, historically, it could have life or death implications. And remember, we have that really strong survival part of our brain. So if you are someone who was attuned to the opinions of others, your, you felt that this was crucial for your survival.
Okay. The other thing about our brains and, and the neuroscience, and of course I'm giving you all very layman's terms, I'm not a doctor or, or a neuroscientist or [00:05:00] brain surgeon or anything like that. But just knowing these concepts in this way will be helpful that our brains are wired to seek this social acceptance, right?
When we have positive social interactions with others, maybe we receive approval. This activates this, the reward pathways in our brain. And what I mean by that is that this is when we get you know, just this, the satisfaction or something that we desire and is good. This releases dopamine in our brain, right?
Similar to the pleasure that we feel when we have food or shopping, something like that. Like this system. of having the pleasure reward and then dopamine release and the effects on our body that dopamine, this actually motivates us to act in ways that are likely to win more approval from others and to [00:06:00] maintain more social bonds and status.
So this makes sense why it's hard to not care what other people's thoughts are. thing or why we would even think that would be a good thing to have them think highly of us. You know, humans have the like sophistication, the ability to predict other people's thoughts. We do this a lot, right?
We can imagine like we look at them, we read their behaviors, their facial expressions, and the way that my brain looks at it is, is kind of like in the cartoons when you have those bubbles above the head and you have the cloud like thing where it shows what people are thinking, it's like we have this ability to come up with a theory about what is going on in their head.
And we use that ability to help us navigate these social situations, right? And sometimes this [00:07:00] ability, like, we have empathy, right? Because we're imagining in our brains how that person is feeling. And then that further enhances our, like, our thinking about what they're thinking. And then that's creating feelings within us.
And when it's, when it's what we're imagining is something that they're thinking good about us, that's not the problem, right? The problem comes up for us is when our brain runs away and chooses and imagines that those bubbles above their head is something negative about us. And then that's actually the problem where the, you know, where the challenge starts to arise.
In us, right in our, the other reason, the last reason I want to bring up of why it makes complete sense that our brain is is wanting other people to think highly of us, why it's a natural part of this human [00:08:00] experience is because when the brain in like processes, this social information It highlights the significance of the differences that we have between each other and, you know, brains seek the negative and it goes to look at these differences as weaknesses.
And let's face it, everyone feedback from others is what we have been training ourselves to validate our own self view of ourselves, right? We know I've talked about on the podcast about social comparison and how we kind of gauge our status and our abilities, that's our strengths and weaknesses, and even our worth, like comparatively to other humans, because what we're trying to get is we're trying to take that tendency for our brain to go to the negative, and we're trying to find the positive.
Those bits and pieces that add up to [00:09:00] self validation for ourselves to give us real evidence and reason why we are good or worthy. But why that falls short and why I want you to be able to become somebody who spends less time and attention and energy and emotional energy towards what other people's things is because It ultimately, it's a dead end street because we, we can never truly know what they're thinking.
And unless like we ask, and we're going to talk about that a little bit later, but when we ask and even what they say to us could possibly not even be the truth of what's going on in their head. Right. But, God gave us this ability to choose, imagine, decipher, pick. You know, we've got options.
Everything is optional to [00:10:00] decide what other people thinks. And really in a nutshell, what I want to help you see is that if you are going to be someone who cares less about what other people's think, you need to tap into, or you're going to want to tap into this ability to choose to imagine and pick what they're thinking as anything you want.
And I want it to lean towards something that is beneficial to you, that is more positive. Even if it's not what they're thinking. What is the upside to choosing something that isn't serving to you or doesn't feel good? We want to learn to validate ourselves, but we can also just choose to pick that what they're thinking is something that validates ourself.
Okay. So that I wanted to start there. I wanted to start there with those few kind of concepts about that, so that you can have this thought like, Oh, that totally makes sense why I've been putting so much time and attention and caring my [00:11:00] level of caring what other people think about me. Cause wow, the evolution in the way that my brain was created and what, what it tends to do is really strong.
And it makes sense from an evolutionary point of view part that that's why my brain cares so much. Okay. However, now we're going to switch to talk a little bit more about what we can do, right to lessen that, because as you can see, it's not really bringing about an experience that you like, results that you want.
It's not helping you create the goals that you're looking for, which come from feeling good. If we are feeling bad when we think about what other people are thinking about us. So we've established that it's common to worry about how we're perceived by others, and then in particular, maybe as mothers.
So we'll be asking ourselves, are we doing enough? Are we too strict? Are we too [00:12:00] lenient? And then we'd say, I wonder if other people would think that I'm too strict or too lenient. And then these questions, they, they stem from our concerns about the opinions others might give, right? What my mother in law might say.
Today, let's, let's learn how to just shed these concerns and this focus a little bit much a little bit more than we have been. And, you know, again, be focusing on what truly matters for us and our own well being and our own family's happiness. So, let's do that. We've, we started out by understanding why we give so much power, right?
We face societal pressure, the comparisons, perhaps on social media. And sometimes we get that unsolicited advice from others around us. That's what leads us to this unnecessary stress that's can even affect our, our parenting and the decisions we're making in regards to our parenting. [00:13:00] If we were to break free from that pressure of caring what other people think the first thing that we would want to do is we want to recognize that we can control it and that there's certain things that we can't control and I spoke a little bit about not being able to control the bubbles that that show up above other people's minds we can't control what other people's think think of us like period a hundred percent we cannot control what others think we can control our reaction to it but if we are still believing that we could be Change or try and manipulate what other people think this is where we're going to keep our focus there But the main thing I want you to let just kind of soak in for you today Is that concept that you cannot control what other people think of you ever?
And if you lean into that, do you see how, if you know that that's [00:14:00] a dead end street, it's a goal that can never be achieved, then are you willing to just let go of it? Because you've got other things to do with your time and energy. So I'd like to point out, if you can think in your own life, what are those, like, kind of stop and choose and identify for yourself.
Do you have certain people or experiences that trigger in you where you, definitely focus on caring, whatever their people think. Is it situations where you put yourself in where you could be judged, right? And just think about that right now. I actually do that. I'm doing that right now, right?
I'm doing that right now with this podcast. I'm putting myself in a situation to record some knowledge and help that's coming from my brain that I think will be helpful. And I'm putting it out there. It's on the you know, [00:15:00] the internet and on everybody's phone and it really can be recognized from millions and if not billions of people and so many, like, I don't know what other people will think to think about it.
Right. I'm putting myself in a situation where I could feel judged. But if I really focused and worried, and cared a lot about what other people think about it, then I would like not even do it in the first place because that knowledge of being judged or people probably there's a lot of people that say like, I don't agree with this.
I don't like what she says. This podcast is dumb or something like that. And so if I really focused on that, I wouldn't even put myself in this position, but I'm willing to put myself in this position to be judged, and I'm not focusing on those that don't like it. I'm just [00:16:00] keeping my mind focused on, yes, I want to do put my time and energy here because of those on the other end that I am just guessing is being helped by it. Is having their life changed for the better in some way, big or small from it. That's all I'm putting my time and energy and I'm just, and it feels good to me for me to think that other people go, Oh wow, I really like that podcast. This is so helpful. This has changed my life. Now on occasion I do get people reaching out.
And I get that, that visual, like I find out what they're thinking because they tell me through an email or when we meet in person, but that is not what I rely on my whole self validation for, I choose to think that there are A lot of people out there who like it and are helped by it. And so that's what matters, [00:17:00] right?
So, identify that for you in those situations where you put yourself in social situations or I don't know. Maybe is it like speaking in front of people and where are you kind of? in those gatherings may be triggered by then the rest of your day, you might question what other people were thinking about how you showed up.
Let's just say you were at the park, right? And another parent makes a remark about how your child is behaving. Do you then maybe not in that, like, moment or maybe you can feel that kind of, you know, brain going at that moment to a spiral. Do you have a lot of self doubt? Do you question your parenting and motherhood?
Can you recognize that that might be something where you At first, you know, you put a lot of stock into what they're saying. And maybe the rest of the day you keep [00:18:00] asking, is she right? Or maybe you're thinking, what am I doing wrong as a parent? Or what should I do to change my child or something like that?
Instead of knowing that you have the choice to be like, okay, that is one parent's opinion. This is what, I know about my child and my family and my parenting and do that self talk to be able to come back to show yourself and put less time and attention and caring to that other person who doesn't really know you, your child or your family and their thoughts.
And then in that moment, what I'm explaining is to shift your focus, right? Instead of fixating on that person but you then fixate on the value about your parenting style. Like you focus on what your strengths are and the positive outcomes you see and know that are in your children. And we want to then affirm, right?
We want to affirm to ourselves, repeat to [00:19:00] ourselves that we are worthy and that we are worthy. Confident in our decisions and that we are a good mom and you make your decisions based on what's best for your child. So we have to shift our focus. But then once we get a shift focus, we want to then affirm what we know is true.
Okay. And when you apply just this this. Recognizing when you are triggered into caring what people think, if then you shift your focus and then you affirm what you do know and does feel good about yourself and what your own truths are, then you're going to start to feel lighter and you'll start to feel more confident and you'll feel less burdened by what others might think of you.
And now, like with everything, this doesn't happen overnight. But I'm bringing that awareness to you today. And so, once I'm bringing you [00:20:00] this awareness and knowledge and giving you, you know, an idea on how you might act the next time or move forward, it's your turn to put it into practice so that it then becomes a more natural part of your mindset to recognize, Oh, yes, I've been putting, I'm caring too much about what other people think.
And there is for sure long term benefits to you. That's why I'm offering it today and your motherhood. If you lean into caring less about what other people think about you, I mean, just imagine living day to day without that heavy weight of, of other people's external opinions, right? You're going to be more present with your children.
You're going to make decisions with more clarity and confidence, and it's going to bring more peace. And joy to your life, because I do believe that when you care a lot about other people's thoughts, that you are taking away [00:21:00] the opportunity for more joy in your life. And so kind of like a really of what I've just said, kind of a little bit more you know, practical application for of what I explained was really to When you find yourself in that situation where you're caring what other people think, we want to identify the thought that you are having about what they're thinking, what you think they're thinking.
So we got to identify what that thought is. And I just want to encourage you to become someone who is starting to catch themselves more when you start worrying about other people's opinion. Pinpoint that exact thought that's causing this worry or angst. Right. So for example, maybe you find the thought that you're thinking, I'm worried they think I'm a bad mom because my child is having a tantrum, right?
That's when you have to first identify it. The next practical step is to challenge that thought because God [00:22:00] gave us this ability, right? To think about what we're thinking. And then I'm The Inviting you to welcome into the step of challenging that thought, right? Question the validity of it. Question the, is, if it's useful or not, right?
Is it based on a fact or is it based on somebody's assumption? Is worrying about it helpful to you? Does it, Does it make you feel good or does it serve and does it serve any positive purpose, right? If not, that's going to be your indication. And then the third practical step is to reframe that thought, right?
Focus on what you can control. You cannot control them and what they think. So for instance, if you're instead of worried about being judged you could think I'm doing the best to handle this situation as calmly as I can. And my priority is my child's wellbeing, [00:23:00] not. another's opinion. So I just want to have you focus and to have more peace around the fact that you can never truly know what someone else is thinking unless you ask.
And even then, we don't even know a hundred percent if that is what they were thinking. So yes, communicate openly. If you want clarification or if you're concerned about a specific issue, but also accept that the response that you receive is only information, right? And then you get to filter that and come up with whatever perspective you want.
All right, everyone. I hope that this gives you something to think about. I hope that you begin to release and let go of any kind of struggle or desire you [00:24:00] have. To focus on other people's thoughts about you and their opinions about you. And that I've offered you some insight and some, again, practical steps of what you can do to bring in more peace around this.
And as always it's, if you find yourself in that situation, that's not a problem because you're a human being. As I said at the beginning of the episode, there's. totally valid reasons why your brain would want to care about what other people think. But if you can note that really, if we don't make some tweaks or pivot in that situation, it could have some negative you know, detriment to your, to your day or results in your life.
And it for sure will rob you of of peace and joy and so let's give a little less stock to what other people think and put more focus on what we know is true about ourselves and how what [00:25:00] matters to us, how worthy we are and put. Put more stock into our own self concept of what we know is true.
All right, everyone. Thank you so much for joining me today. I hope that if you found this helpful, that you might not keep it to yourself, that you might share it to somebody else who could be struggling in this area. And I hope you have a beautiful week and I'm so excited to come back and talk to you again next week.
So until then peace, be with you always. Thank you so much for tuning in to today's episode of the Peaceful Mind Podcast.
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